drunk txt messages :
we have all dealt with them
we either send or recieve
and sometimes there is even a call
i try to justify my drunk txts because i'd like
to think that my txts are what i really think
and what i really wanna say
i am the kinda person who doesnt like words
or feelings
i dont like to talk about things
i dont like to feel anything but happy
over ther last year so much has changed
i have grown so much to become more of the person
that i wanted to be
i have a second chance at life and all it brings
the lord has tested me
he has put me through so much
but i thank him because
he must trust me an awful lot to do this to me
i have purpose and i am on my way to finding
out what exactly that purpose is
i am depressed
i am happy
i am a mix of emotions all at once
i feel like i have lost everything and nothing at the same time
i feel like i am the only one who gets me
i feel like i will never get better
i feel like i try so hard to get no where
but i have hope
the hope that comes with loving god and having
a relationship with him
the hope that keeps you going
the hope that makes everything better even when its not
and i have faith
faith in the lord
faith in myself
and i believe
thats all for now i have to collect some thoughts
:)
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
e! updates
so since my last posting i kind of didnt explain my frustrations and why i was in need of venting! its been a rough few weeks tho but lets rewind so i can keep you updated with whats going on lets go back way back tooo
august 3-4 haha move out days it was during this time that i moved in with nadia and abel and that continued on until the 17th meanwhile i finished my summer school on the 13th! 8 am history classed=death!
but during this time nadia and i grew a lot closer we got to see 1st hand what it would be like living with each other. and i think it went well tho during this time we shared a room and everything we got really comfortable and we were correct living with one another is not gonna be a problem. her last night in her old apartment was fun too beer brownies and breaking dawn! ha what a very very nice way to end her stay in building 12!
the next day was so long and hot the 17th was the move out date and let me tell you it was ahhhh crazy but lovely at first i was kinda eh.. about the apartment i mean its a lot different than my old one and her old one as well almost seems smaller but as of now its starting to grow on me and i think its gonna be a nice place to call home
the next few days are kinda a blur everything went from being perfectly ok to completely horrible and it was warped speed and now i am in this huge pickle and i dont know what is gonna happen! well i kind of do now but not like i should be.
apparently i ran out of financial aid and have to pay the stupid community college $1200 so i can get transcripts sent or register there ahhhh yes ahh its been up and down and crazy and i dont think anyone fully understands what its like to be in this kind of situation
school is what i do its the only thing i am good and i have worked my ass off to be better and get better to deal with my stupid depression and persevere and its like i can't catch a break if i didnt have great friends like the tina's crystal care and everyone else idk what i would do because i seriously am sad all the time this week has especially been hard. what am i supposed to do with my time i think i may be exaggerating but you would to if this is what you did i didnt choose not to go to school i didnt choose to be all screwed up in the head but i am choosing to get better and not give up!
this is the first week in the new apartment and i had the first strong meeting of the semester yesterday and well it went well and its something positive that can help me keep busy and not go crazy and what better way to spend your time than to channel that energy to praise god and thank him
after all there is only 2 ways to take this horrible spin on event! i can't be mad at god and complain or i can thank god for his blessing take whats happened and roll with it i strongly believe that he does everything for a reason GOD PROVIDES he needs me to get better he needs me to take a break he needs to me to figure out my plans the plans i make myself for myself without involving anyone else because after all this is my life and i intend to make a difference
so here i am on a thursday afternoon hanging out in my sisters room in san antonio and i am thinking to myself what to do what to do
i am not sure where to go to from here or how i am supposed to feel. because i am tired of feeling like i am not gonna get better i am at a point where i have to make a choice i either let the most important people in my life know that i am not ok
that i need help that i know what i want and how to get there or i keep to myself and not tell anyone how it really feels to be me because frankly that idea sounds a lot easier and it was for the longest time until now. now things are getting harder and harder being happy and okay is becoming more and m ore exhausting only i can choose to make it better but i dont even know where to begin.
i wish i had a sign even if this is a sign and extra month of summer to get better and take a break i am sure that it will be ok if i keep telling myself it will be but its so weird to not feel to just be like everyone wants you to be. someone actually told me i wasnt being my normal cheerful self and i wanted to scream because my normal cheerful self was such a good act man this masking stuff was more a part of my life than i realized i guess i like to down play emotions and not feel but i wonder what would have happened if i didnt ever hide how i felt if my up bringing was slightly different.
well this is enough dramatics for one posting i think the fall is gonna bring lots of fun and adventures. afterall life's a journey and with crystal and nadia as my roommates! its all gonna work i have faith i have to :) but it will all be alright!
peace and love!
p.s. i miss my carebears!
august 3-4 haha move out days it was during this time that i moved in with nadia and abel and that continued on until the 17th meanwhile i finished my summer school on the 13th! 8 am history classed=death!
but during this time nadia and i grew a lot closer we got to see 1st hand what it would be like living with each other. and i think it went well tho during this time we shared a room and everything we got really comfortable and we were correct living with one another is not gonna be a problem. her last night in her old apartment was fun too beer brownies and breaking dawn! ha what a very very nice way to end her stay in building 12!
the next day was so long and hot the 17th was the move out date and let me tell you it was ahhhh crazy but lovely at first i was kinda eh.. about the apartment i mean its a lot different than my old one and her old one as well almost seems smaller but as of now its starting to grow on me and i think its gonna be a nice place to call home
the next few days are kinda a blur everything went from being perfectly ok to completely horrible and it was warped speed and now i am in this huge pickle and i dont know what is gonna happen! well i kind of do now but not like i should be.
apparently i ran out of financial aid and have to pay the stupid community college $1200 so i can get transcripts sent or register there ahhhh yes ahh its been up and down and crazy and i dont think anyone fully understands what its like to be in this kind of situation
school is what i do its the only thing i am good and i have worked my ass off to be better and get better to deal with my stupid depression and persevere and its like i can't catch a break if i didnt have great friends like the tina's crystal care and everyone else idk what i would do because i seriously am sad all the time this week has especially been hard. what am i supposed to do with my time i think i may be exaggerating but you would to if this is what you did i didnt choose not to go to school i didnt choose to be all screwed up in the head but i am choosing to get better and not give up!
this is the first week in the new apartment and i had the first strong meeting of the semester yesterday and well it went well and its something positive that can help me keep busy and not go crazy and what better way to spend your time than to channel that energy to praise god and thank him
after all there is only 2 ways to take this horrible spin on event! i can't be mad at god and complain or i can thank god for his blessing take whats happened and roll with it i strongly believe that he does everything for a reason GOD PROVIDES he needs me to get better he needs me to take a break he needs to me to figure out my plans the plans i make myself for myself without involving anyone else because after all this is my life and i intend to make a difference
so here i am on a thursday afternoon hanging out in my sisters room in san antonio and i am thinking to myself what to do what to do
i am not sure where to go to from here or how i am supposed to feel. because i am tired of feeling like i am not gonna get better i am at a point where i have to make a choice i either let the most important people in my life know that i am not ok
that i need help that i know what i want and how to get there or i keep to myself and not tell anyone how it really feels to be me because frankly that idea sounds a lot easier and it was for the longest time until now. now things are getting harder and harder being happy and okay is becoming more and m ore exhausting only i can choose to make it better but i dont even know where to begin.
i wish i had a sign even if this is a sign and extra month of summer to get better and take a break i am sure that it will be ok if i keep telling myself it will be but its so weird to not feel to just be like everyone wants you to be. someone actually told me i wasnt being my normal cheerful self and i wanted to scream because my normal cheerful self was such a good act man this masking stuff was more a part of my life than i realized i guess i like to down play emotions and not feel but i wonder what would have happened if i didnt ever hide how i felt if my up bringing was slightly different.
well this is enough dramatics for one posting i think the fall is gonna bring lots of fun and adventures. afterall life's a journey and with crystal and nadia as my roommates! its all gonna work i have faith i have to :) but it will all be alright!
peace and love!
p.s. i miss my carebears!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
N! Update :)
Greetings to everyone!
Well, it seems as if this whole blog thing has been tough to keep up with. Good thing we really haven't told many people about it. haha. Elaine and I have just been quite busy with things and have found ourselves to be somewhat preoccupied. Let's see... I don't even know where to catch everyone up on. Let's start with here:
Elaine had been living with me in my old apartment (I'll get to this later) for about two weeks or so. It was quite neat because it gave us an opportunity to test our roommate compatibility. However, this test was a bit tough because we were not only sharing the same apartment at the time, we were also sharing the same ROOM together! It brought me back to living in the dorms freshman year of college. Except she and I knew each other and nothing was ever too awkward. Yes, we are in that stage of comfortability where we can just change clothes in front of one another without feeling funny (don't get dirty thoughts now!) Then again the only time we'd change clothes like that was when we were rushed by vic and/or Abel to get dressed to leave the apartment. Which gave us no time to look at one another. We'd just grab our clothes, change in seconds, and take off. Either way, it was all well.
The 17th of August marked the day I get to finally get my crap and move into the long awaited new apartment closer to the bus stop, which meant gas conservation, and a new school year with Elaine, Crystal, and some random girl. The night before, my former roommate, Nicole, baked brownies and we all celebrated my last night in that apartment with brownies and beer. Yes, strange combination, I know. Then at 9 am on the 17th, I went to the leasing office to take care of business and get my new keys.
At first, I didn't get off to this new apartment all too well because it seemed much smaller than my old apartment. But, it was just empty. Technically I was the only person living there at the time so there were no decorations or pillows on the couches as I was used to before. I simply moved my stuff in, gathered the things I was going to use for the next few days, and went off to take my Spanish final for the second summer session, which went very well, by the way.
18th- 21st were spent in San Antonio, Texas, our hometown, to spend with our family and friends from back home before the semester began. Because once the fall semester begins, who knows when we'll be able to go back home. And that's when the craziness happened. Elaine owed money to the school and because she owed money, she couldn't register anywhere, which is stupid because the school should have told her BEFORE SHE CONTINUED ON WITH HER SUMMER CLASSES that she had 'exceeded' her aid and couldn't get any more funding. This led to her worries of what her family was going to say, and worse, how she was going to pay the surprisingly newfound debt she now owes so she can continue going to school. Now, my theory is this: this could have all been avoided had the financial aid office from that school gotten their freakin' act together and notified elaine ahead of time. If they had told her she 'ran out of funds' beforehand, she could have dropped the class and paid more attention to going to work instead of going crazy trying to make an A in a class that would eventually earn her a headache after a good grade. Sometimes the school system really pisses me off. They wait 'til the last minute to tell us these things, which eventually screws us over. and they say they're here for our better good. YEAH FUCKIN' RIGHT!
The 21st I went to the doctor and he said I don't have a tumor, my sinuses are good, and I'm not diabetic. All of which were major concerns for him, myself, and my mother- who feels she has the right to call anyone, and I mean ANYONE a diabetic haha. My sugar levels are quite high, though. But not to the point where I'm diabetic. A biiig concern now is my energy levels. I have the same energy level as that of a 60-year-old... I'm freakin' 20! And who is to blame? I'll be quick to point my fingers to college. That's right. It's all college's fault for never letting me catch a damn break. anyway, it's a possibility that this low energy is linked to my thyroid. According to Doc, the thyroid is linked to energy level and metabolism. If your energy's low, your metabolism slows down and you gain weight... which explains why I weigh 15 lbs more than my comfort zone. So now I have to take pills, a ton of vitamins, and go back to the Doc once a month for the B12 shot- which is supposed to give me energy. Doc says hopefully by november, my energy level has increased and I'll have enough to do well in school and 'boost up that GPA.' (how he knows I have a shameful gpa, I have no idea).
let's skip around a few days... which brings us to here. Today. Now. And why I feel the need to write at such a late hour. I went to this thing called Gone to Texas today. It's like some 'welcome' program intended for incoming freshman (isn't that what orientation is for?) on the night before school. I didn't go my freshman year so I decided to go today along with Elaine, Crystal (our third roommate, whom we are happy to have with us), Ruben (my boyfriend) and his friend Eric. And as the program proceeded, all I could think about was 'this is what I missed out on two years ago. This was that inch of inspiration I could have so dearly used two years ago when I felt like my world was in turmoil.' I was looking at all the freshman (some were acting retarded, HELLO YOU'RE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE!) with eyes of hope, inspiration and determination- eyes that I once had before coming here. After wandering around through my life's path this past year and a half like an abandoned pup, I realized what I have been doing to myself all along. I let those eyes go and unknowingly traded them for confusion, discouragement, and disappointment. But I want to change it NOW. I know where I made the mistake. And it's time to get back into that 'whatever it takes' attitude I once had before giving it all up two years ago.
As I sit here- on my bed, in my 'bed clothing' just a few hours before having to wake up for class- I'm thinking 'Goodness gracious, I've never wanted something so badly in my life!' I'd say I'm excited. But more honestly, I'm nervous. Because I have no idea what this semester has in store for me. But I am willing... oh God am I willing... to fix myself personally, then academically, and continually. It's about time I learn from every mistake I've made these past two years. I've got the ingredients to a splendid and successful life. Great family. Amazing friends. and a wonderful boyfriend. Now it's up to me. and me, alone, to keep this going.
I'd say I'm hopeful, but I'm also realistic. It's not going to be easy. If it were easy, 'success' wouldn't have such high monetary value. With that in mind, get ready for my bitchings built upon stress. They're coming soon. haha.
Things are going to get better. Sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. Because this kind of life only comes through once.
Keep an eye out! because this is going to be a hell of a journey :)
Well, it seems as if this whole blog thing has been tough to keep up with. Good thing we really haven't told many people about it. haha. Elaine and I have just been quite busy with things and have found ourselves to be somewhat preoccupied. Let's see... I don't even know where to catch everyone up on. Let's start with here:
Elaine had been living with me in my old apartment (I'll get to this later) for about two weeks or so. It was quite neat because it gave us an opportunity to test our roommate compatibility. However, this test was a bit tough because we were not only sharing the same apartment at the time, we were also sharing the same ROOM together! It brought me back to living in the dorms freshman year of college. Except she and I knew each other and nothing was ever too awkward. Yes, we are in that stage of comfortability where we can just change clothes in front of one another without feeling funny (don't get dirty thoughts now!) Then again the only time we'd change clothes like that was when we were rushed by vic and/or Abel to get dressed to leave the apartment. Which gave us no time to look at one another. We'd just grab our clothes, change in seconds, and take off. Either way, it was all well.
The 17th of August marked the day I get to finally get my crap and move into the long awaited new apartment closer to the bus stop, which meant gas conservation, and a new school year with Elaine, Crystal, and some random girl. The night before, my former roommate, Nicole, baked brownies and we all celebrated my last night in that apartment with brownies and beer. Yes, strange combination, I know. Then at 9 am on the 17th, I went to the leasing office to take care of business and get my new keys.
At first, I didn't get off to this new apartment all too well because it seemed much smaller than my old apartment. But, it was just empty. Technically I was the only person living there at the time so there were no decorations or pillows on the couches as I was used to before. I simply moved my stuff in, gathered the things I was going to use for the next few days, and went off to take my Spanish final for the second summer session, which went very well, by the way.
18th- 21st were spent in San Antonio, Texas, our hometown, to spend with our family and friends from back home before the semester began. Because once the fall semester begins, who knows when we'll be able to go back home. And that's when the craziness happened. Elaine owed money to the school and because she owed money, she couldn't register anywhere, which is stupid because the school should have told her BEFORE SHE CONTINUED ON WITH HER SUMMER CLASSES that she had 'exceeded' her aid and couldn't get any more funding. This led to her worries of what her family was going to say, and worse, how she was going to pay the surprisingly newfound debt she now owes so she can continue going to school. Now, my theory is this: this could have all been avoided had the financial aid office from that school gotten their freakin' act together and notified elaine ahead of time. If they had told her she 'ran out of funds' beforehand, she could have dropped the class and paid more attention to going to work instead of going crazy trying to make an A in a class that would eventually earn her a headache after a good grade. Sometimes the school system really pisses me off. They wait 'til the last minute to tell us these things, which eventually screws us over. and they say they're here for our better good. YEAH FUCKIN' RIGHT!
The 21st I went to the doctor and he said I don't have a tumor, my sinuses are good, and I'm not diabetic. All of which were major concerns for him, myself, and my mother- who feels she has the right to call anyone, and I mean ANYONE a diabetic haha. My sugar levels are quite high, though. But not to the point where I'm diabetic. A biiig concern now is my energy levels. I have the same energy level as that of a 60-year-old... I'm freakin' 20! And who is to blame? I'll be quick to point my fingers to college. That's right. It's all college's fault for never letting me catch a damn break. anyway, it's a possibility that this low energy is linked to my thyroid. According to Doc, the thyroid is linked to energy level and metabolism. If your energy's low, your metabolism slows down and you gain weight... which explains why I weigh 15 lbs more than my comfort zone. So now I have to take pills, a ton of vitamins, and go back to the Doc once a month for the B12 shot- which is supposed to give me energy. Doc says hopefully by november, my energy level has increased and I'll have enough to do well in school and 'boost up that GPA.' (how he knows I have a shameful gpa, I have no idea).
let's skip around a few days... which brings us to here. Today. Now. And why I feel the need to write at such a late hour. I went to this thing called Gone to Texas today. It's like some 'welcome' program intended for incoming freshman (isn't that what orientation is for?) on the night before school. I didn't go my freshman year so I decided to go today along with Elaine, Crystal (our third roommate, whom we are happy to have with us), Ruben (my boyfriend) and his friend Eric. And as the program proceeded, all I could think about was 'this is what I missed out on two years ago. This was that inch of inspiration I could have so dearly used two years ago when I felt like my world was in turmoil.' I was looking at all the freshman (some were acting retarded, HELLO YOU'RE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE!) with eyes of hope, inspiration and determination- eyes that I once had before coming here. After wandering around through my life's path this past year and a half like an abandoned pup, I realized what I have been doing to myself all along. I let those eyes go and unknowingly traded them for confusion, discouragement, and disappointment. But I want to change it NOW. I know where I made the mistake. And it's time to get back into that 'whatever it takes' attitude I once had before giving it all up two years ago.
As I sit here- on my bed, in my 'bed clothing' just a few hours before having to wake up for class- I'm thinking 'Goodness gracious, I've never wanted something so badly in my life!' I'd say I'm excited. But more honestly, I'm nervous. Because I have no idea what this semester has in store for me. But I am willing... oh God am I willing... to fix myself personally, then academically, and continually. It's about time I learn from every mistake I've made these past two years. I've got the ingredients to a splendid and successful life. Great family. Amazing friends. and a wonderful boyfriend. Now it's up to me. and me, alone, to keep this going.
I'd say I'm hopeful, but I'm also realistic. It's not going to be easy. If it were easy, 'success' wouldn't have such high monetary value. With that in mind, get ready for my bitchings built upon stress. They're coming soon. haha.
Things are going to get better. Sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. Because this kind of life only comes through once.
Keep an eye out! because this is going to be a hell of a journey :)
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
venting!!
eek
what an afternoon i have only been home for like an hour and i am going crazy in this empty house. with school around the corner and stupid financial aid being dumb it has me going crazy. i wonder if this is a sign from God. like i wonder if he is trying to tell me to slow down to relax to get better before i try to take on the world. its just so frustrating i have always been able to go go go and not look back and now i can't even make any progress anywhere its so frustrating to feel this helpless! for crying out loud things are just plain old out of control and i can't take it! i am trying to relax tho even on the ride home all i could think about was school school school transferring to st ed's emailing the transfer counselor ay ay ay and my heart is beating so freakin fast and i can't calm down until i know what the heck is happening eek! summer school may have just ruined my life how will i pay for rent how will i live! well if worse come to worse i will take out another loan to take care of all of the above since aid is being stupid! but seriously! i need a hug a cry and freakin parents that are understanding! ahhhhhhhhh okay that is all my head hurts i may need a nap to cool off
what an afternoon i have only been home for like an hour and i am going crazy in this empty house. with school around the corner and stupid financial aid being dumb it has me going crazy. i wonder if this is a sign from God. like i wonder if he is trying to tell me to slow down to relax to get better before i try to take on the world. its just so frustrating i have always been able to go go go and not look back and now i can't even make any progress anywhere its so frustrating to feel this helpless! for crying out loud things are just plain old out of control and i can't take it! i am trying to relax tho even on the ride home all i could think about was school school school transferring to st ed's emailing the transfer counselor ay ay ay and my heart is beating so freakin fast and i can't calm down until i know what the heck is happening eek! summer school may have just ruined my life how will i pay for rent how will i live! well if worse come to worse i will take out another loan to take care of all of the above since aid is being stupid! but seriously! i need a hug a cry and freakin parents that are understanding! ahhhhhhhhh okay that is all my head hurts i may need a nap to cool off
Thursday, August 13, 2009
E! greetings!
well i have officially been residing with nadia for a little over a week sometimes i feel that i become a pain but she has such a kind heart she smiles about everything! i finished with my summer 2 class today which is a big deal since school and i dont get along and i managed to do fairly well whoo whoo :) so today has been much of a sloth day LITERALLY i haven't felt so blah in a very long time but hey we all need a little break. yesterday was quite the day. cilla came to visit vic was here when i woke from a nap abel came after dinner nadia's roomate Serena is back and she had vistors too and Katy [nadia's other roomate] had a friend come to so yesterday was jam packed with excitng things! i made dinner vic baked we all sat around talking and laughing telling stories it was like something out of a movie i can replay nights spent with the crew over and over. i do believe that the crew is what has kept me sane all through the summer because the lord knows it hasnt been my parents school is just around the corner and i still dont know where ill be partially because of my lack of funds. i just hope i can still help out with STRONG being involved at the UCC is what has helped me to stay sane. i have met some wonderfully sweet people there and made some wonderful friends. i only hope that i get to continue to share God's word. i am looking forward to the fall tho despite the mess of a year i have had. its 3/4 gone and well i have developed so much as a person. next week nadia and i get our new apartment with our lovely friend CRYSTAL we may have to had a C! to this blog here.
lets talk about the weekend now because i had one of those weekends that only happens in movies. i didnt see the crew tho but if i was gonna write a movie about my life this weekend would totally be incorporated. see we come from the south side. we dont get things handed to us we have to work but we like to party and have our weekend adventures! and this weekend was definitely one!
i think sometimes i am far to guarded. i think i care to much about what people think. i worry about everything and how my family back home will make it. i wonder if i will make sometimes. i have had a lot of time to think today and yesterday. sometimes its hard to put things into perspective. well story of my life about over thinking. i had a plan and my plan has been well broken so i need a new one and i am on the verge of making a new one but i am not sure how to go about it exactly. we shall see.
this summer has been life changing and its sad that its almost over. eek! i sometimes don't know how i got to where i am at. sometimes i don't think i deserve some of what i have. i wanna be better i wanna achieve wonderful things too!
well for tonight i think this is all but who knows!! maybe ill be back in a bit with more of my unorganized thoughts!
til next time
ttfn
lets talk about the weekend now because i had one of those weekends that only happens in movies. i didnt see the crew tho but if i was gonna write a movie about my life this weekend would totally be incorporated. see we come from the south side. we dont get things handed to us we have to work but we like to party and have our weekend adventures! and this weekend was definitely one!
i think sometimes i am far to guarded. i think i care to much about what people think. i worry about everything and how my family back home will make it. i wonder if i will make sometimes. i have had a lot of time to think today and yesterday. sometimes its hard to put things into perspective. well story of my life about over thinking. i had a plan and my plan has been well broken so i need a new one and i am on the verge of making a new one but i am not sure how to go about it exactly. we shall see.
this summer has been life changing and its sad that its almost over. eek! i sometimes don't know how i got to where i am at. sometimes i don't think i deserve some of what i have. i wanna be better i wanna achieve wonderful things too!
well for tonight i think this is all but who knows!! maybe ill be back in a bit with more of my unorganized thoughts!
til next time
ttfn
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