e! updates

so since my last posting i kind of didnt explain my frustrations and why i was in need of venting! its been a rough few weeks tho but lets rewind so i can keep you updated with whats going on lets go back way back tooo

august 3-4 haha move out days it was during this time that i moved in with nadia and abel and that continued on until the 17th meanwhile i finished my summer school on the 13th! 8 am history classed=death!

but during this time nadia and i grew a lot closer we got to see 1st hand what it would be like living with each other. and i think it went well tho during this time we shared a room and everything we got really comfortable and we were correct living with one another is not gonna be a problem. her last night in her old apartment was fun too beer brownies and breaking dawn! ha what a very very nice way to end her stay in building 12!
the next day was so long and hot the 17th was the move out date and let me tell you it was ahhhh crazy but lovely at first i was kinda eh.. about the apartment i mean its a lot different than my old one and her old one as well almost seems smaller but as of now its starting to grow on me and i think its gonna be a nice place to call home

the next few days are kinda a blur everything went from being perfectly ok to completely horrible and it was warped speed and now i am in this huge pickle and i dont know what is gonna happen! well i kind of do now but not like i should be.

apparently i ran out of financial aid and have to pay the stupid community college $1200 so i can get transcripts sent or register there ahhhh yes ahh its been up and down and crazy and i dont think anyone fully understands what its like to be in this kind of situation

school is what i do its the only thing i am good and i have worked my ass off to be better and get better to deal with my stupid depression and persevere and its like i can't catch a break if i didnt have great friends like the tina's crystal care and everyone else idk what i would do because i seriously am sad all the time this week has especially been hard. what am i supposed to do with my time i think i may be exaggerating but you would to if this is what you did i didnt choose not to go to school i didnt choose to be all screwed up in the head but i am choosing to get better and not give up!

this is the first week in the new apartment and i had the first strong meeting of the semester yesterday and well it went well and its something positive that can help me keep busy and not go crazy and what better way to spend your time than to channel that energy to praise god and thank him

after all there is only 2 ways to take this horrible spin on event! i can't be mad at god and complain or i can thank god for his blessing take whats happened and roll with it i strongly believe that he does everything for a reason GOD PROVIDES he needs me to get better he needs me to take a break he needs to me to figure out my plans the plans i make myself for myself without involving anyone else because after all this is my life and i intend to make a difference


so here i am on a thursday afternoon hanging out in my sisters room in san antonio and i am thinking to myself what to do what to do

i am not sure where to go to from here or how i am supposed to feel. because i am tired of feeling like i am not gonna get better i am at a point where i have to make a choice i either let the most important people in my life know that i am not ok
that i need help that i know what i want and how to get there or i keep to myself and not tell anyone how it really feels to be me because frankly that idea sounds a lot easier and it was for the longest time until now. now things are getting harder and harder being happy and okay is becoming more and m ore exhausting only i can choose to make it better but i dont even know where to begin.


i wish i had a sign even if this is a sign and extra month of summer to get better and take a break i am sure that it will be ok if i keep telling myself it will be but its so weird to not feel to just be like everyone wants you to be. someone actually told me i wasnt being my normal cheerful self and i wanted to scream because my normal cheerful self was such a good act man this masking stuff was more a part of my life than i realized i guess i like to down play emotions and not feel but i wonder what would have happened if i didnt ever hide how i felt if my up bringing was slightly different.


well this is enough dramatics for one posting i think the fall is gonna bring lots of fun and adventures. afterall life's a journey and with crystal and nadia as my roommates! its all gonna work i have faith i have to :) but it will all be alright!




peace and love!


























p.s. i miss my carebears!