LOVE:
i would like to say that i don't know much about it: that i haven't lived long enough to feel it, that the only love i know about is the kind we see in the movies, the kind where you end up with your prince charming underneath the stars with the cute music in the background where you kiss and the rest of the world stops.
but i can't say that i don't know what that feels like.
i can't say that i have never loved
i can't say that i have never planned my future or forever
i can't say that i never made promises
i can't say that i never used those 3 words and 8 letters and actually meant them
i can't say that i never jumped in 2 feet heart first and
i can't say that i never lost all of it.
in today's world i think relationships are a lot different than when our parents and grandparents growing. i think we learn about what love it is when we are a lot younger than in generations before us, and i hold true to this. we see all over the media about relationships and sex and love. we see our friends and family engage in relationships where they become completely smitten. we have all been there. we have all loved harder than we ever thought imaginable. we give up things in order to gain something much much more great. and sometimes everything falls into place. we get our fairy tale ending BUT sometimes what seems like our fairy tale ending turns into something so much more painful.
a wise man once said " It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." but you ask anyone, girl or boy, dealing with a bad break up and they will beg to differ. losing the one you love is the one most excruciating pains that i may have ever felt in my whole being. the only worse feeling is death: and you are losing someone you love and care about deeply and they aren't coming back.
i see my friends going through what i went through a little less than a year ago and it just takes me back and i can still feel that pain of losing someone you love. i never planned a forever with my last boyfriend because i didn't want to ruin anything but i planned tomorrow next week next month even next year with him, and when things fell apart i lost a part of me i don't think, even today, i ever got back. So i am reminded of it everyday with how my roommates boyfriends treat them. i know this might sound odd but ironically its not that hard to imagine. One of my roommates actually is friends with my ex boyfriend. they played baseball together and they have way more similarities than i thought and my other roommates boyfriend doesn't know my ex boyfriend but the way i have seen him act towards her is the same way he acted when he was done.
DONE. that's an ugly way to put it. when someone you love says, "I'm done." just like that like if they just finished a meal. but thats exactly how it happened. for me i thought i was fighting for something real, only to be mislead and deceived. and it hurt. WAY MORE than i ever expected it too. and it became like a movie, but this wasn't the movie where you get your happy ending.
i became the epitome of what i never wanted to be: the angry jealous ex. i cried for hours wondering how it all feel apart, or what i did wrong. i replayed things over and over in my head trying to find the exact moment where it all went wrong, and the truth is i couldn't find it and i still can't, but maybe that isnt such a bad thing.
its been almost 10 months (i know i am a LOSER for keeping count) and i thought i was better. i thought after i went through one of the roughest semesters and one of the most life changing summers of my life i had finally taken a step in the right direction only to realize that the only "moving on" i had done was just learn how to mask and cover up the emotions that i felt and now 10 months later when clearly there are plenty of sore spots i can honestly say that i am not ok. i can honestly say that this relationship meant way more to be than i had ever realized and the person i lost held more a piece of my heart than i realized.
but its okay. now that i realized i wasn't completely over that phase of my life i can begin the real healing process
Love is a beautiful thing. it makes anything possible. it makes you feel complete and whole. you learn things about yourself you never knew, and it helps you become a stronger person. love isnt about making everything perfect its about accepting that it will never be perfect. its that can't eat can't sleep feeling. it makes you do crazy things but in the end its all worth it. you learn from everything and even tho it may not work out the way you want it to thats not your fault. this is just another chapter in your story. your happy ending will come
it always does.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
N: Just Like the Movies...
At one point in life, everyone analyzes their experiences and compares them to those from movies: be it romantic occasions, friendships, or even places they've visited. Unlike everyone else, however, I've come to find out that I'm probably the only person in the world who still wishes to have certain things that only reveal themselves in the cute 'guy wins girl' movies. Sure, it's not a big deal when in adolescence... but let's get real here, I'm fuckin' 20 years old. And still watching movies and wishing that I had the same thing happen to me as it did to those girls.
The guy with the innocently cute personality standing outside of my bedroom window holding a stereo which is playing a song that holds dear to him and I.
The day I am told that when I'm being held in his arms, he can finally feel; and of all sentiments, with me he feels safe.
Being told that I make up what was necessary to complete his life that he has been trying to fill for all his life.
So on and so forth.
Hopeless romantic? Most likely.
I try my best to keep the cuteness going. I do my part.
I send random 'I miss you' text messages. Bake birthday cakes. Put an endless amount of thought into what I am going to write in a card. Do random surprises. And the list goes on.
But I don't think I've ever had soup brought to me while I was ill. Or a random flower with a cute note on my door. Or one of my favorite 'cute songs' played for me with an acoustic guitar. Or a short little poem.
What's more, I don't even think there has been an elaborate explanation of the feelings (or love, if any) that are felt towards me.
The first time I had ever been told I was loved was in a phone conversation in which the guy on the other line was drunk. What. The. Fuck. Not romantic or cute or anything of positive nature at all whatsoever. Then I hear from other girls that they were taken to the park, or went out on a picnic.
I want that kind of story. I want to feel like I'm worth all that freakin' trouble. Even so, how much trouble is it to simply write a letter? Or learn a cute song? Or just plain and simply saying what is needed to be said?!?
Whenever I decided to 'declare my love' this time around, I went on and on and on in a message. I felt pretty pathetic writing a message on Facebook. But I was scared. The only thing that gave me the courage to write the words I did was a song. 'First in Line' by Matthew Mayfield. It has to be one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. I remember being a total mess: listening to that song, crying my eyes out, and spilling my hearts out- one would wonder how in the end I still had the rest of my organs once I finished that 'love message.' And what do I get? I pretty much got a 'thank you, but...' response. That crushed me. And I think since then, I've just felt like I poured my heart out for nothing. Since then, I listen to that song and become reminded of how stupid I was.
And I'm still here. Hanging on to the little bit of hope that one day I'll be told the same words in return. I don't just WANT to be told, I want it to actually be felt towards me. Apparently it is, but for some reason it hasn't been officially said. it hasn't been fully expressed.
And I'm afraid I'm eventually going to run out of patience with putting all of my heart into this only to get nothing out of it. Last time this happened, I ended up with nothing. And since this time around my emotions are much stronger than before, I'm afraid I'm going to have more to lose. And that is something I can't afford to handle.
What else is there to do but wait and hope? I can ignore it and embrace the fact that I have someone. Maybe I should just take a step back and stop giving my all. Maybe he'll notice a difference. Then again, maybe it will backfire on me.
Who knows, really. I guess it's just going to be something I have to deal with in silence- the method I've always used.
... It's about time I stop wishing my life was like a movie or a song.
The guy with the innocently cute personality standing outside of my bedroom window holding a stereo which is playing a song that holds dear to him and I.
The day I am told that when I'm being held in his arms, he can finally feel; and of all sentiments, with me he feels safe.
Being told that I make up what was necessary to complete his life that he has been trying to fill for all his life.
So on and so forth.
Hopeless romantic? Most likely.
I try my best to keep the cuteness going. I do my part.
I send random 'I miss you' text messages. Bake birthday cakes. Put an endless amount of thought into what I am going to write in a card. Do random surprises. And the list goes on.
But I don't think I've ever had soup brought to me while I was ill. Or a random flower with a cute note on my door. Or one of my favorite 'cute songs' played for me with an acoustic guitar. Or a short little poem.
What's more, I don't even think there has been an elaborate explanation of the feelings (or love, if any) that are felt towards me.
The first time I had ever been told I was loved was in a phone conversation in which the guy on the other line was drunk. What. The. Fuck. Not romantic or cute or anything of positive nature at all whatsoever. Then I hear from other girls that they were taken to the park, or went out on a picnic.
I want that kind of story. I want to feel like I'm worth all that freakin' trouble. Even so, how much trouble is it to simply write a letter? Or learn a cute song? Or just plain and simply saying what is needed to be said?!?
Whenever I decided to 'declare my love' this time around, I went on and on and on in a message. I felt pretty pathetic writing a message on Facebook. But I was scared. The only thing that gave me the courage to write the words I did was a song. 'First in Line' by Matthew Mayfield. It has to be one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. I remember being a total mess: listening to that song, crying my eyes out, and spilling my hearts out- one would wonder how in the end I still had the rest of my organs once I finished that 'love message.' And what do I get? I pretty much got a 'thank you, but...' response. That crushed me. And I think since then, I've just felt like I poured my heart out for nothing. Since then, I listen to that song and become reminded of how stupid I was.
And I'm still here. Hanging on to the little bit of hope that one day I'll be told the same words in return. I don't just WANT to be told, I want it to actually be felt towards me. Apparently it is, but for some reason it hasn't been officially said. it hasn't been fully expressed.
And I'm afraid I'm eventually going to run out of patience with putting all of my heart into this only to get nothing out of it. Last time this happened, I ended up with nothing. And since this time around my emotions are much stronger than before, I'm afraid I'm going to have more to lose. And that is something I can't afford to handle.
What else is there to do but wait and hope? I can ignore it and embrace the fact that I have someone. Maybe I should just take a step back and stop giving my all. Maybe he'll notice a difference. Then again, maybe it will backfire on me.
Who knows, really. I guess it's just going to be something I have to deal with in silence- the method I've always used.
... It's about time I stop wishing my life was like a movie or a song.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
reality
sometimes reality isnt fair. sometimes reality sets in and hurts us with the sharpest pain we've ever endured. its life. this life that we lead is filled with choices that test us. we work hard to never have to endure this sort of pain and sometimes we can protect ourselves, sometimes we can't even protect those we care most about, but reality is cruel and whether we like it or not it hits us and hurts us at one point or another.empty alone angry frustrated sad upset irritated hurt hopeless lonely aggravated lost worthless broken.
its been very interesting the last few weeks since everything spun out of control.i have so much time on my hands i dont know what i should do. things just seem to be different. i am different. my mind and my thoughts goo 1000 mph and often not in a good direction i either can't sleep or sleep too much.i feel broken a lot of the time and nobody can even begin to understand. when people look at me they don't see this girl who feels lost or scared or broken. they don't see that i am capable of feeling so useless and helpless. they see elaine the hardworker the determined one. but thats not how i feel most of the time. i am just so frustrated with how i feel and how i can't stop feeling like this. i want to just be normal. when i walk into a room i don't wanna feel like a hot mess. i don't wanna feel like the odd one out the one with the problems the one who has to try extra hard to be normal to just fit in.
i want a real relationship with my parents. i want to talk to them freely about this stuff but i am so scared. i am scared they wont accept in and even after telling them i won't be any better. they wont listen. they wont acknowledge my problems and i'll never get help and i'll always feel like this and then it'll only get worse. its frightening to think about. but i try to remain positive and keep my head up i havent given up and i really don't think i ever could i think i have too much to say. i think my story could help others as long as i get through this i know things can be okay
its been rough this last year actually seeing the things that i have chosen to ignore. its been hard to let people see the real me and not be ashamed. i feel ashamed and embarrassed because of the way i am. i feel like i won't be accepted by anyone if i am broken. when i sit on the bus or walk through a store or into a new building i ask myself if there is anyone else in this room or bus that has felt like me or is feeling like this. whats there story.
i know i only know my story but i hope that i get better and what i learn along this crazy journey i can help others and discover my real calling and purpose.
its been very interesting the last few weeks since everything spun out of control.i have so much time on my hands i dont know what i should do. things just seem to be different. i am different. my mind and my thoughts goo 1000 mph and often not in a good direction i either can't sleep or sleep too much.i feel broken a lot of the time and nobody can even begin to understand. when people look at me they don't see this girl who feels lost or scared or broken. they don't see that i am capable of feeling so useless and helpless. they see elaine the hardworker the determined one. but thats not how i feel most of the time. i am just so frustrated with how i feel and how i can't stop feeling like this. i want to just be normal. when i walk into a room i don't wanna feel like a hot mess. i don't wanna feel like the odd one out the one with the problems the one who has to try extra hard to be normal to just fit in.
i want a real relationship with my parents. i want to talk to them freely about this stuff but i am so scared. i am scared they wont accept in and even after telling them i won't be any better. they wont listen. they wont acknowledge my problems and i'll never get help and i'll always feel like this and then it'll only get worse. its frightening to think about. but i try to remain positive and keep my head up i havent given up and i really don't think i ever could i think i have too much to say. i think my story could help others as long as i get through this i know things can be okay
its been rough this last year actually seeing the things that i have chosen to ignore. its been hard to let people see the real me and not be ashamed. i feel ashamed and embarrassed because of the way i am. i feel like i won't be accepted by anyone if i am broken. when i sit on the bus or walk through a store or into a new building i ask myself if there is anyone else in this room or bus that has felt like me or is feeling like this. whats there story.
i know i only know my story but i hope that i get better and what i learn along this crazy journey i can help others and discover my real calling and purpose.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
N: University of near hell- week one.
Now, I'm not sure if anyone else has ever felt like this about school: one minute you feel super productive after having a great day of doing some decent amount of work and everything's just going great... then there's that minute where you're absolutely lost. You don't know what exactly is going on in that class and you want to meet with the professor RIGHT NOW so you can move on with your life instead of having to wait until his/her availability.
It sucks how as students, we must have structure in our day as well as flexibility. I hear from 'experts' that one should plan out their days... but then I hear from the other 'experts' that one should leave their days open to accommodate necessary professor appointments. The bad thing is that no day is certain for a college student because things ALWAYS come up. I don't necessarily have a problem with this, really. It's just that the last time I would 'go wherever the wind took me,' I ended up with a 2.4 GPA. And over the summer, the first class I took, I had implemented structure in my day and turned out with an A in the course (and believe me, the class wasn't a walk in the park). So I thought 'hey, if structure worked for me, then structure is what I need!' But then there are those times when I'm lost. And I feel the need to meet with my professor to clear things up. Or maybe if professors would post their readings ahead of time instead of the day before they want them read... after all, isn't that why they created the syllabus?
If they want us to make the due date, they should give us time to work on it. But noooo. Us undergrads are at the bottom of the academic food chain. We're supposed to accommodate THEM, not them doing what they can to help us take a step further in life. Don't they want society to get ahead of itself? They should do their part instead of sit there and read off the powerpoint slides. That's not being an effective professor. That shows that you're just in it for the money, not to improve society. One's motive to teach nowadays is so ridiculous nowadays. You get paid more than enough to do your job, so DO IT!
Anyway, I've had a long day. It was quite a good day though.
And I think I've made a discovery that I have never even realized before: I get jealous. It makes me feel terrible. I was never the jealous type. Ever. But then the idiot got shady, treated me like crap, and cheated. Then idiot #2 was the shadiest of shady and treated me like crap. Whether he cheated on me or not is still unknown, but I don't even care- as long as I got out of that terrible mess, I'm fine. So now there's this wonderful, wonderful boyfriend of mine. He's really attractive in more ways than one... and sometimes I'm like 'why can't he just be ugly so no one else would want him?' hahaha! Terrible, I know. And he's never done anything to make me question his fidelity. But for some reason some girls just bug the heck out of me. Their behavior around him. The way they speak to him. Even sometimes the way they look at him. I observe it all. And I come up with outrageous conclusions. Some say it's normal and that it's okay. But I feel terrible. Why? Because he's not the type of guy to do anything to me like that. he knows better. ha! Then again, I've said THAT one before.
A part of me says that: 'you've said that one before, Nadia, when are you going to get smart about this?' and the other is like 'Come on. it's all innocently platonic. You have guy friends that you hang out with.' Yeah, but the way I act around them is much different than the way they act around him. (sigh) Now I know what idiot #1 went through. I did absolutely nothing to hurt him. I was all about him and only him. But he would just go crazy if I so much as said 'hi' to one of the guy friends he didn't like. And now I'm kind of going through the same thing. Except, I can tolerate a 'hi.' I won't lose my mind. But there are limits. And those limits just shouldn't be pushed.
And I can't talk to my mom about this because she thinks ALL men are dogs (I used to think the same damn thing). And that they're all the same and they'll never change and blah blah blah. So if I tell her about all this, she'll just start putting things in my head. or she'll jump to conclusions without knowing the facts and I'll believe her because...well, because she's my mother.
Hmm. OR I can keep my mouth shut. Just like I do with a lot of things. Maybe that'll work :) My last and final option is to have a talk with the boyfriend once I get over this retarded jealousy issue I'm having. Well, get over it in the short term. I usually feel better the next day. So we'll see how that goes.
Anyhow, I'm going to get ready for bed. I can't believe it's 1 a.m. already! Goodnight, everyone.
It sucks how as students, we must have structure in our day as well as flexibility. I hear from 'experts' that one should plan out their days... but then I hear from the other 'experts' that one should leave their days open to accommodate necessary professor appointments. The bad thing is that no day is certain for a college student because things ALWAYS come up. I don't necessarily have a problem with this, really. It's just that the last time I would 'go wherever the wind took me,' I ended up with a 2.4 GPA. And over the summer, the first class I took, I had implemented structure in my day and turned out with an A in the course (and believe me, the class wasn't a walk in the park). So I thought 'hey, if structure worked for me, then structure is what I need!' But then there are those times when I'm lost. And I feel the need to meet with my professor to clear things up. Or maybe if professors would post their readings ahead of time instead of the day before they want them read... after all, isn't that why they created the syllabus?
If they want us to make the due date, they should give us time to work on it. But noooo. Us undergrads are at the bottom of the academic food chain. We're supposed to accommodate THEM, not them doing what they can to help us take a step further in life. Don't they want society to get ahead of itself? They should do their part instead of sit there and read off the powerpoint slides. That's not being an effective professor. That shows that you're just in it for the money, not to improve society. One's motive to teach nowadays is so ridiculous nowadays. You get paid more than enough to do your job, so DO IT!
Anyway, I've had a long day. It was quite a good day though.
And I think I've made a discovery that I have never even realized before: I get jealous. It makes me feel terrible. I was never the jealous type. Ever. But then the idiot got shady, treated me like crap, and cheated. Then idiot #2 was the shadiest of shady and treated me like crap. Whether he cheated on me or not is still unknown, but I don't even care- as long as I got out of that terrible mess, I'm fine. So now there's this wonderful, wonderful boyfriend of mine. He's really attractive in more ways than one... and sometimes I'm like 'why can't he just be ugly so no one else would want him?' hahaha! Terrible, I know. And he's never done anything to make me question his fidelity. But for some reason some girls just bug the heck out of me. Their behavior around him. The way they speak to him. Even sometimes the way they look at him. I observe it all. And I come up with outrageous conclusions. Some say it's normal and that it's okay. But I feel terrible. Why? Because he's not the type of guy to do anything to me like that. he knows better. ha! Then again, I've said THAT one before.
A part of me says that: 'you've said that one before, Nadia, when are you going to get smart about this?' and the other is like 'Come on. it's all innocently platonic. You have guy friends that you hang out with.' Yeah, but the way I act around them is much different than the way they act around him. (sigh) Now I know what idiot #1 went through. I did absolutely nothing to hurt him. I was all about him and only him. But he would just go crazy if I so much as said 'hi' to one of the guy friends he didn't like. And now I'm kind of going through the same thing. Except, I can tolerate a 'hi.' I won't lose my mind. But there are limits. And those limits just shouldn't be pushed.
And I can't talk to my mom about this because she thinks ALL men are dogs (I used to think the same damn thing). And that they're all the same and they'll never change and blah blah blah. So if I tell her about all this, she'll just start putting things in my head. or she'll jump to conclusions without knowing the facts and I'll believe her because...well, because she's my mother.
Hmm. OR I can keep my mouth shut. Just like I do with a lot of things. Maybe that'll work :) My last and final option is to have a talk with the boyfriend once I get over this retarded jealousy issue I'm having. Well, get over it in the short term. I usually feel better the next day. So we'll see how that goes.
Anyhow, I'm going to get ready for bed. I can't believe it's 1 a.m. already! Goodnight, everyone.
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