el-oh-ve-eeee <3

LOVE:

i would like to say that i don't know much about it: that i haven't lived long enough to feel it, that the only love i know about is the kind we see in the movies, the kind where you end up with your prince charming underneath the stars with the cute music in the background where you kiss and the rest of the world stops.
but i can't say that i don't know what that feels like.
i can't say that i have never loved
i can't say that i have never planned my future or forever
i can't say that i never made promises
i can't say that i never used those 3 words and 8 letters and actually meant them
i can't say that i never jumped in 2 feet heart first and
i can't say that i never lost all of it.

in today's world i think relationships are a lot different than when our parents and grandparents growing. i think we learn about what love it is when we are a lot younger than in generations before us, and i hold true to this. we see all over the media about relationships and sex and love. we see our friends and family engage in relationships where they become completely smitten. we have all been there. we have all loved harder than we ever thought imaginable. we give up things in order to gain something much much more great. and sometimes everything falls into place. we get our fairy tale ending BUT sometimes what seems like our fairy tale ending turns into something so much more painful.

a wise man once said " It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." but you ask anyone, girl or boy, dealing with a bad break up and they will beg to differ. losing the one you love is the one most excruciating pains that i may have ever felt in my whole being. the only worse feeling is death: and you are losing someone you love and care about deeply and they aren't coming back.

i see my friends going through what i went through a little less than a year ago and it just takes me back and i can still feel that pain of losing someone you love. i never planned a forever with my last boyfriend because i didn't want to ruin anything but i planned tomorrow next week next month even next year with him, and when things fell apart i lost a part of me i don't think, even today, i ever got back. So i am reminded of it everyday with how my roommates boyfriends treat them. i know this might sound odd but ironically its not that hard to imagine. One of my roommates actually is friends with my ex boyfriend. they played baseball together and they have way more similarities than i thought and my other roommates boyfriend doesn't know my ex boyfriend but the way i have seen him act towards her is the same way he acted when he was done.

DONE. that's an ugly way to put it. when someone you love says, "I'm done." just like that like if they just finished a meal. but thats exactly how it happened. for me i thought i was fighting for something real, only to be mislead and deceived. and it hurt. WAY MORE than i ever expected it too. and it became like a movie, but this wasn't the movie where you get your happy ending.

i became the epitome of what i never wanted to be: the angry jealous ex. i cried for hours wondering how it all feel apart, or what i did wrong. i replayed things over and over in my head trying to find the exact moment where it all went wrong, and the truth is i couldn't find it and i still can't, but maybe that isnt such a bad thing.
its been almost 10 months (i know i am a LOSER for keeping count) and i thought i was better. i thought after i went through one of the roughest semesters and one of the most life changing summers of my life i had finally taken a step in the right direction only to realize that the only "moving on" i had done was just learn how to mask and cover up the emotions that i felt and now 10 months later when clearly there are plenty of sore spots i can honestly say that i am not ok. i can honestly say that this relationship meant way more to be than i had ever realized and the person i lost held more a piece of my heart than i realized.

but its okay. now that i realized i wasn't completely over that phase of my life i can begin the real healing process


Love is a beautiful thing. it makes anything possible. it makes you feel complete and whole. you learn things about yourself you never knew, and it helps you become a stronger person. love isnt about making everything perfect its about accepting that it will never be perfect. its that can't eat can't sleep feeling. it makes you do crazy things but in the end its all worth it. you learn from everything and even tho it may not work out the way you want it to thats not your fault. this is just another chapter in your story. your happy ending will come
it always does.