N: Just Like the Movies...

At one point in life, everyone analyzes their experiences and compares them to those from movies: be it romantic occasions, friendships, or even places they've visited. Unlike everyone else, however, I've come to find out that I'm probably the only person in the world who still wishes to have certain things that only reveal themselves in the cute 'guy wins girl' movies. Sure, it's not a big deal when in adolescence... but let's get real here, I'm fuckin' 20 years old. And still watching movies and wishing that I had the same thing happen to me as it did to those girls.

The guy with the innocently cute personality standing outside of my bedroom window holding a stereo which is playing a song that holds dear to him and I.

The day I am told that when I'm being held in his arms, he can finally feel; and of all sentiments, with me he feels safe.

Being told that I make up what was necessary to complete his life that he has been trying to fill for all his life.

So on and so forth.

Hopeless romantic? Most likely.
I try my best to keep the cuteness going. I do my part.
I send random 'I miss you' text messages. Bake birthday cakes. Put an endless amount of thought into what I am going to write in a card. Do random surprises. And the list goes on.

But I don't think I've ever had soup brought to me while I was ill. Or a random flower with a cute note on my door. Or one of my favorite 'cute songs' played for me with an acoustic guitar. Or a short little poem.

What's more, I don't even think there has been an elaborate explanation of the feelings (or love, if any) that are felt towards me.

The first time I had ever been told I was loved was in a phone conversation in which the guy on the other line was drunk. What. The. Fuck. Not romantic or cute or anything of positive nature at all whatsoever. Then I hear from other girls that they were taken to the park, or went out on a picnic.

I want that kind of story. I want to feel like I'm worth all that freakin' trouble. Even so, how much trouble is it to simply write a letter? Or learn a cute song? Or just plain and simply saying what is needed to be said?!?

Whenever I decided to 'declare my love' this time around, I went on and on and on in a message. I felt pretty pathetic writing a message on Facebook. But I was scared. The only thing that gave me the courage to write the words I did was a song. 'First in Line' by Matthew Mayfield. It has to be one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. I remember being a total mess: listening to that song, crying my eyes out, and spilling my hearts out- one would wonder how in the end I still had the rest of my organs once I finished that 'love message.' And what do I get? I pretty much got a 'thank you, but...' response. That crushed me. And I think since then, I've just felt like I poured my heart out for nothing. Since then, I listen to that song and become reminded of how stupid I was.

And I'm still here. Hanging on to the little bit of hope that one day I'll be told the same words in return. I don't just WANT to be told, I want it to actually be felt towards me. Apparently it is, but for some reason it hasn't been officially said. it hasn't been fully expressed.

And I'm afraid I'm eventually going to run out of patience with putting all of my heart into this only to get nothing out of it. Last time this happened, I ended up with nothing. And since this time around my emotions are much stronger than before, I'm afraid I'm going to have more to lose. And that is something I can't afford to handle.

What else is there to do but wait and hope? I can ignore it and embrace the fact that I have someone. Maybe I should just take a step back and stop giving my all. Maybe he'll notice a difference. Then again, maybe it will backfire on me.

Who knows, really. I guess it's just going to be something I have to deal with in silence- the method I've always used.

... It's about time I stop wishing my life was like a movie or a song.