reality

sometimes reality isnt fair. sometimes reality sets in and hurts us with the sharpest pain we've ever endured. its life. this life that we lead is filled with choices that test us. we work hard to never have to endure this sort of pain and sometimes we can protect ourselves, sometimes we can't even protect those we care most about, but reality is cruel and whether we like it or not it hits us and hurts us at one point or another.empty alone angry frustrated sad upset irritated hurt hopeless lonely aggravated lost worthless broken.
its been very interesting the last few weeks since everything spun out of control.i have so much time on my hands i dont know what i should do. things just seem to be different. i am different. my mind and my thoughts goo 1000 mph and often not in a good direction i either can't sleep or sleep too much.i feel broken a lot of the time and nobody can even begin to understand. when people look at me they don't see this girl who feels lost or scared or broken. they don't see that i am capable of feeling so useless and helpless. they see elaine the hardworker the determined one. but thats not how i feel most of the time. i am just so frustrated with how i feel and how i can't stop feeling like this. i want to just be normal. when i walk into a room i don't wanna feel like a hot mess. i don't wanna feel like the odd one out the one with the problems the one who has to try extra hard to be normal to just fit in.
i want a real relationship with my parents. i want to talk to them freely about this stuff but i am so scared. i am scared they wont accept in and even after telling them i won't be any better. they wont listen. they wont acknowledge my problems and i'll never get help and i'll always feel like this and then it'll only get worse. its frightening to think about. but i try to remain positive and keep my head up i havent given up and i really don't think i ever could i think i have too much to say. i think my story could help others as long as i get through this i know things can be okay

its been rough this last year actually seeing the things that i have chosen to ignore. its been hard to let people see the real me and not be ashamed. i feel ashamed and embarrassed because of the way i am. i feel like i won't be accepted by anyone if i am broken. when i sit on the bus or walk through a store or into a new building i ask myself if there is anyone else in this room or bus that has felt like me or is feeling like this. whats there story.

i know i only know my story but i hope that i get better and what i learn along this crazy journey i can help others and discover my real calling and purpose.