N: University of near hell- week one.

Now, I'm not sure if anyone else has ever felt like this about school: one minute you feel super productive after having a great day of doing some decent amount of work and everything's just going great... then there's that minute where you're absolutely lost. You don't know what exactly is going on in that class and you want to meet with the professor RIGHT NOW so you can move on with your life instead of having to wait until his/her availability.

It sucks how as students, we must have structure in our day as well as flexibility. I hear from 'experts' that one should plan out their days... but then I hear from the other 'experts' that one should leave their days open to accommodate necessary professor appointments. The bad thing is that no day is certain for a college student because things ALWAYS come up. I don't necessarily have a problem with this, really. It's just that the last time I would 'go wherever the wind took me,' I ended up with a 2.4 GPA. And over the summer, the first class I took, I had implemented structure in my day and turned out with an A in the course (and believe me, the class wasn't a walk in the park). So I thought 'hey, if structure worked for me, then structure is what I need!' But then there are those times when I'm lost. And I feel the need to meet with my professor to clear things up. Or maybe if professors would post their readings ahead of time instead of the day before they want them read... after all, isn't that why they created the syllabus?

If they want us to make the due date, they should give us time to work on it. But noooo. Us undergrads are at the bottom of the academic food chain. We're supposed to accommodate THEM, not them doing what they can to help us take a step further in life. Don't they want society to get ahead of itself? They should do their part instead of sit there and read off the powerpoint slides. That's not being an effective professor. That shows that you're just in it for the money, not to improve society. One's motive to teach nowadays is so ridiculous nowadays. You get paid more than enough to do your job, so DO IT!

Anyway, I've had a long day. It was quite a good day though.
And I think I've made a discovery that I have never even realized before: I get jealous. It makes me feel terrible. I was never the jealous type. Ever. But then the idiot got shady, treated me like crap, and cheated. Then idiot #2 was the shadiest of shady and treated me like crap. Whether he cheated on me or not is still unknown, but I don't even care- as long as I got out of that terrible mess, I'm fine. So now there's this wonderful, wonderful boyfriend of mine. He's really attractive in more ways than one... and sometimes I'm like 'why can't he just be ugly so no one else would want him?' hahaha! Terrible, I know. And he's never done anything to make me question his fidelity. But for some reason some girls just bug the heck out of me. Their behavior around him. The way they speak to him. Even sometimes the way they look at him. I observe it all. And I come up with outrageous conclusions. Some say it's normal and that it's okay. But I feel terrible. Why? Because he's not the type of guy to do anything to me like that. he knows better. ha! Then again, I've said THAT one before.

A part of me says that: 'you've said that one before, Nadia, when are you going to get smart about this?' and the other is like 'Come on. it's all innocently platonic. You have guy friends that you hang out with.' Yeah, but the way I act around them is much different than the way they act around him. (sigh) Now I know what idiot #1 went through. I did absolutely nothing to hurt him. I was all about him and only him. But he would just go crazy if I so much as said 'hi' to one of the guy friends he didn't like. And now I'm kind of going through the same thing. Except, I can tolerate a 'hi.' I won't lose my mind. But there are limits. And those limits just shouldn't be pushed.

And I can't talk to my mom about this because she thinks ALL men are dogs (I used to think the same damn thing). And that they're all the same and they'll never change and blah blah blah. So if I tell her about all this, she'll just start putting things in my head. or she'll jump to conclusions without knowing the facts and I'll believe her because...well, because she's my mother.

Hmm. OR I can keep my mouth shut. Just like I do with a lot of things. Maybe that'll work :) My last and final option is to have a talk with the boyfriend once I get over this retarded jealousy issue I'm having. Well, get over it in the short term. I usually feel better the next day. So we'll see how that goes.

Anyhow, I'm going to get ready for bed. I can't believe it's 1 a.m. already! Goodnight, everyone.