life comes at you fast
and it doesnt make sense
and things never change
its just that time of year
where you remember
everything that has happened
you are supposed to be greatful
however
i just remember all that has happened
and it breaks me
i just want to be left alone
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
el-oh-ve-eeee <3
LOVE:
i would like to say that i don't know much about it: that i haven't lived long enough to feel it, that the only love i know about is the kind we see in the movies, the kind where you end up with your prince charming underneath the stars with the cute music in the background where you kiss and the rest of the world stops.
but i can't say that i don't know what that feels like.
i can't say that i have never loved
i can't say that i have never planned my future or forever
i can't say that i never made promises
i can't say that i never used those 3 words and 8 letters and actually meant them
i can't say that i never jumped in 2 feet heart first and
i can't say that i never lost all of it.
in today's world i think relationships are a lot different than when our parents and grandparents growing. i think we learn about what love it is when we are a lot younger than in generations before us, and i hold true to this. we see all over the media about relationships and sex and love. we see our friends and family engage in relationships where they become completely smitten. we have all been there. we have all loved harder than we ever thought imaginable. we give up things in order to gain something much much more great. and sometimes everything falls into place. we get our fairy tale ending BUT sometimes what seems like our fairy tale ending turns into something so much more painful.
a wise man once said " It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." but you ask anyone, girl or boy, dealing with a bad break up and they will beg to differ. losing the one you love is the one most excruciating pains that i may have ever felt in my whole being. the only worse feeling is death: and you are losing someone you love and care about deeply and they aren't coming back.
i see my friends going through what i went through a little less than a year ago and it just takes me back and i can still feel that pain of losing someone you love. i never planned a forever with my last boyfriend because i didn't want to ruin anything but i planned tomorrow next week next month even next year with him, and when things fell apart i lost a part of me i don't think, even today, i ever got back. So i am reminded of it everyday with how my roommates boyfriends treat them. i know this might sound odd but ironically its not that hard to imagine. One of my roommates actually is friends with my ex boyfriend. they played baseball together and they have way more similarities than i thought and my other roommates boyfriend doesn't know my ex boyfriend but the way i have seen him act towards her is the same way he acted when he was done.
DONE. that's an ugly way to put it. when someone you love says, "I'm done." just like that like if they just finished a meal. but thats exactly how it happened. for me i thought i was fighting for something real, only to be mislead and deceived. and it hurt. WAY MORE than i ever expected it too. and it became like a movie, but this wasn't the movie where you get your happy ending.
i became the epitome of what i never wanted to be: the angry jealous ex. i cried for hours wondering how it all feel apart, or what i did wrong. i replayed things over and over in my head trying to find the exact moment where it all went wrong, and the truth is i couldn't find it and i still can't, but maybe that isnt such a bad thing.
its been almost 10 months (i know i am a LOSER for keeping count) and i thought i was better. i thought after i went through one of the roughest semesters and one of the most life changing summers of my life i had finally taken a step in the right direction only to realize that the only "moving on" i had done was just learn how to mask and cover up the emotions that i felt and now 10 months later when clearly there are plenty of sore spots i can honestly say that i am not ok. i can honestly say that this relationship meant way more to be than i had ever realized and the person i lost held more a piece of my heart than i realized.
but its okay. now that i realized i wasn't completely over that phase of my life i can begin the real healing process
Love is a beautiful thing. it makes anything possible. it makes you feel complete and whole. you learn things about yourself you never knew, and it helps you become a stronger person. love isnt about making everything perfect its about accepting that it will never be perfect. its that can't eat can't sleep feeling. it makes you do crazy things but in the end its all worth it. you learn from everything and even tho it may not work out the way you want it to thats not your fault. this is just another chapter in your story. your happy ending will come
it always does.
i would like to say that i don't know much about it: that i haven't lived long enough to feel it, that the only love i know about is the kind we see in the movies, the kind where you end up with your prince charming underneath the stars with the cute music in the background where you kiss and the rest of the world stops.
but i can't say that i don't know what that feels like.
i can't say that i have never loved
i can't say that i have never planned my future or forever
i can't say that i never made promises
i can't say that i never used those 3 words and 8 letters and actually meant them
i can't say that i never jumped in 2 feet heart first and
i can't say that i never lost all of it.
in today's world i think relationships are a lot different than when our parents and grandparents growing. i think we learn about what love it is when we are a lot younger than in generations before us, and i hold true to this. we see all over the media about relationships and sex and love. we see our friends and family engage in relationships where they become completely smitten. we have all been there. we have all loved harder than we ever thought imaginable. we give up things in order to gain something much much more great. and sometimes everything falls into place. we get our fairy tale ending BUT sometimes what seems like our fairy tale ending turns into something so much more painful.
a wise man once said " It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." but you ask anyone, girl or boy, dealing with a bad break up and they will beg to differ. losing the one you love is the one most excruciating pains that i may have ever felt in my whole being. the only worse feeling is death: and you are losing someone you love and care about deeply and they aren't coming back.
i see my friends going through what i went through a little less than a year ago and it just takes me back and i can still feel that pain of losing someone you love. i never planned a forever with my last boyfriend because i didn't want to ruin anything but i planned tomorrow next week next month even next year with him, and when things fell apart i lost a part of me i don't think, even today, i ever got back. So i am reminded of it everyday with how my roommates boyfriends treat them. i know this might sound odd but ironically its not that hard to imagine. One of my roommates actually is friends with my ex boyfriend. they played baseball together and they have way more similarities than i thought and my other roommates boyfriend doesn't know my ex boyfriend but the way i have seen him act towards her is the same way he acted when he was done.
DONE. that's an ugly way to put it. when someone you love says, "I'm done." just like that like if they just finished a meal. but thats exactly how it happened. for me i thought i was fighting for something real, only to be mislead and deceived. and it hurt. WAY MORE than i ever expected it too. and it became like a movie, but this wasn't the movie where you get your happy ending.
i became the epitome of what i never wanted to be: the angry jealous ex. i cried for hours wondering how it all feel apart, or what i did wrong. i replayed things over and over in my head trying to find the exact moment where it all went wrong, and the truth is i couldn't find it and i still can't, but maybe that isnt such a bad thing.
its been almost 10 months (i know i am a LOSER for keeping count) and i thought i was better. i thought after i went through one of the roughest semesters and one of the most life changing summers of my life i had finally taken a step in the right direction only to realize that the only "moving on" i had done was just learn how to mask and cover up the emotions that i felt and now 10 months later when clearly there are plenty of sore spots i can honestly say that i am not ok. i can honestly say that this relationship meant way more to be than i had ever realized and the person i lost held more a piece of my heart than i realized.
but its okay. now that i realized i wasn't completely over that phase of my life i can begin the real healing process
Love is a beautiful thing. it makes anything possible. it makes you feel complete and whole. you learn things about yourself you never knew, and it helps you become a stronger person. love isnt about making everything perfect its about accepting that it will never be perfect. its that can't eat can't sleep feeling. it makes you do crazy things but in the end its all worth it. you learn from everything and even tho it may not work out the way you want it to thats not your fault. this is just another chapter in your story. your happy ending will come
it always does.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
N: Just Like the Movies...
At one point in life, everyone analyzes their experiences and compares them to those from movies: be it romantic occasions, friendships, or even places they've visited. Unlike everyone else, however, I've come to find out that I'm probably the only person in the world who still wishes to have certain things that only reveal themselves in the cute 'guy wins girl' movies. Sure, it's not a big deal when in adolescence... but let's get real here, I'm fuckin' 20 years old. And still watching movies and wishing that I had the same thing happen to me as it did to those girls.
The guy with the innocently cute personality standing outside of my bedroom window holding a stereo which is playing a song that holds dear to him and I.
The day I am told that when I'm being held in his arms, he can finally feel; and of all sentiments, with me he feels safe.
Being told that I make up what was necessary to complete his life that he has been trying to fill for all his life.
So on and so forth.
Hopeless romantic? Most likely.
I try my best to keep the cuteness going. I do my part.
I send random 'I miss you' text messages. Bake birthday cakes. Put an endless amount of thought into what I am going to write in a card. Do random surprises. And the list goes on.
But I don't think I've ever had soup brought to me while I was ill. Or a random flower with a cute note on my door. Or one of my favorite 'cute songs' played for me with an acoustic guitar. Or a short little poem.
What's more, I don't even think there has been an elaborate explanation of the feelings (or love, if any) that are felt towards me.
The first time I had ever been told I was loved was in a phone conversation in which the guy on the other line was drunk. What. The. Fuck. Not romantic or cute or anything of positive nature at all whatsoever. Then I hear from other girls that they were taken to the park, or went out on a picnic.
I want that kind of story. I want to feel like I'm worth all that freakin' trouble. Even so, how much trouble is it to simply write a letter? Or learn a cute song? Or just plain and simply saying what is needed to be said?!?
Whenever I decided to 'declare my love' this time around, I went on and on and on in a message. I felt pretty pathetic writing a message on Facebook. But I was scared. The only thing that gave me the courage to write the words I did was a song. 'First in Line' by Matthew Mayfield. It has to be one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. I remember being a total mess: listening to that song, crying my eyes out, and spilling my hearts out- one would wonder how in the end I still had the rest of my organs once I finished that 'love message.' And what do I get? I pretty much got a 'thank you, but...' response. That crushed me. And I think since then, I've just felt like I poured my heart out for nothing. Since then, I listen to that song and become reminded of how stupid I was.
And I'm still here. Hanging on to the little bit of hope that one day I'll be told the same words in return. I don't just WANT to be told, I want it to actually be felt towards me. Apparently it is, but for some reason it hasn't been officially said. it hasn't been fully expressed.
And I'm afraid I'm eventually going to run out of patience with putting all of my heart into this only to get nothing out of it. Last time this happened, I ended up with nothing. And since this time around my emotions are much stronger than before, I'm afraid I'm going to have more to lose. And that is something I can't afford to handle.
What else is there to do but wait and hope? I can ignore it and embrace the fact that I have someone. Maybe I should just take a step back and stop giving my all. Maybe he'll notice a difference. Then again, maybe it will backfire on me.
Who knows, really. I guess it's just going to be something I have to deal with in silence- the method I've always used.
... It's about time I stop wishing my life was like a movie or a song.
The guy with the innocently cute personality standing outside of my bedroom window holding a stereo which is playing a song that holds dear to him and I.
The day I am told that when I'm being held in his arms, he can finally feel; and of all sentiments, with me he feels safe.
Being told that I make up what was necessary to complete his life that he has been trying to fill for all his life.
So on and so forth.
Hopeless romantic? Most likely.
I try my best to keep the cuteness going. I do my part.
I send random 'I miss you' text messages. Bake birthday cakes. Put an endless amount of thought into what I am going to write in a card. Do random surprises. And the list goes on.
But I don't think I've ever had soup brought to me while I was ill. Or a random flower with a cute note on my door. Or one of my favorite 'cute songs' played for me with an acoustic guitar. Or a short little poem.
What's more, I don't even think there has been an elaborate explanation of the feelings (or love, if any) that are felt towards me.
The first time I had ever been told I was loved was in a phone conversation in which the guy on the other line was drunk. What. The. Fuck. Not romantic or cute or anything of positive nature at all whatsoever. Then I hear from other girls that they were taken to the park, or went out on a picnic.
I want that kind of story. I want to feel like I'm worth all that freakin' trouble. Even so, how much trouble is it to simply write a letter? Or learn a cute song? Or just plain and simply saying what is needed to be said?!?
Whenever I decided to 'declare my love' this time around, I went on and on and on in a message. I felt pretty pathetic writing a message on Facebook. But I was scared. The only thing that gave me the courage to write the words I did was a song. 'First in Line' by Matthew Mayfield. It has to be one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. I remember being a total mess: listening to that song, crying my eyes out, and spilling my hearts out- one would wonder how in the end I still had the rest of my organs once I finished that 'love message.' And what do I get? I pretty much got a 'thank you, but...' response. That crushed me. And I think since then, I've just felt like I poured my heart out for nothing. Since then, I listen to that song and become reminded of how stupid I was.
And I'm still here. Hanging on to the little bit of hope that one day I'll be told the same words in return. I don't just WANT to be told, I want it to actually be felt towards me. Apparently it is, but for some reason it hasn't been officially said. it hasn't been fully expressed.
And I'm afraid I'm eventually going to run out of patience with putting all of my heart into this only to get nothing out of it. Last time this happened, I ended up with nothing. And since this time around my emotions are much stronger than before, I'm afraid I'm going to have more to lose. And that is something I can't afford to handle.
What else is there to do but wait and hope? I can ignore it and embrace the fact that I have someone. Maybe I should just take a step back and stop giving my all. Maybe he'll notice a difference. Then again, maybe it will backfire on me.
Who knows, really. I guess it's just going to be something I have to deal with in silence- the method I've always used.
... It's about time I stop wishing my life was like a movie or a song.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
reality
sometimes reality isnt fair. sometimes reality sets in and hurts us with the sharpest pain we've ever endured. its life. this life that we lead is filled with choices that test us. we work hard to never have to endure this sort of pain and sometimes we can protect ourselves, sometimes we can't even protect those we care most about, but reality is cruel and whether we like it or not it hits us and hurts us at one point or another.empty alone angry frustrated sad upset irritated hurt hopeless lonely aggravated lost worthless broken.
its been very interesting the last few weeks since everything spun out of control.i have so much time on my hands i dont know what i should do. things just seem to be different. i am different. my mind and my thoughts goo 1000 mph and often not in a good direction i either can't sleep or sleep too much.i feel broken a lot of the time and nobody can even begin to understand. when people look at me they don't see this girl who feels lost or scared or broken. they don't see that i am capable of feeling so useless and helpless. they see elaine the hardworker the determined one. but thats not how i feel most of the time. i am just so frustrated with how i feel and how i can't stop feeling like this. i want to just be normal. when i walk into a room i don't wanna feel like a hot mess. i don't wanna feel like the odd one out the one with the problems the one who has to try extra hard to be normal to just fit in.
i want a real relationship with my parents. i want to talk to them freely about this stuff but i am so scared. i am scared they wont accept in and even after telling them i won't be any better. they wont listen. they wont acknowledge my problems and i'll never get help and i'll always feel like this and then it'll only get worse. its frightening to think about. but i try to remain positive and keep my head up i havent given up and i really don't think i ever could i think i have too much to say. i think my story could help others as long as i get through this i know things can be okay
its been rough this last year actually seeing the things that i have chosen to ignore. its been hard to let people see the real me and not be ashamed. i feel ashamed and embarrassed because of the way i am. i feel like i won't be accepted by anyone if i am broken. when i sit on the bus or walk through a store or into a new building i ask myself if there is anyone else in this room or bus that has felt like me or is feeling like this. whats there story.
i know i only know my story but i hope that i get better and what i learn along this crazy journey i can help others and discover my real calling and purpose.
its been very interesting the last few weeks since everything spun out of control.i have so much time on my hands i dont know what i should do. things just seem to be different. i am different. my mind and my thoughts goo 1000 mph and often not in a good direction i either can't sleep or sleep too much.i feel broken a lot of the time and nobody can even begin to understand. when people look at me they don't see this girl who feels lost or scared or broken. they don't see that i am capable of feeling so useless and helpless. they see elaine the hardworker the determined one. but thats not how i feel most of the time. i am just so frustrated with how i feel and how i can't stop feeling like this. i want to just be normal. when i walk into a room i don't wanna feel like a hot mess. i don't wanna feel like the odd one out the one with the problems the one who has to try extra hard to be normal to just fit in.
i want a real relationship with my parents. i want to talk to them freely about this stuff but i am so scared. i am scared they wont accept in and even after telling them i won't be any better. they wont listen. they wont acknowledge my problems and i'll never get help and i'll always feel like this and then it'll only get worse. its frightening to think about. but i try to remain positive and keep my head up i havent given up and i really don't think i ever could i think i have too much to say. i think my story could help others as long as i get through this i know things can be okay
its been rough this last year actually seeing the things that i have chosen to ignore. its been hard to let people see the real me and not be ashamed. i feel ashamed and embarrassed because of the way i am. i feel like i won't be accepted by anyone if i am broken. when i sit on the bus or walk through a store or into a new building i ask myself if there is anyone else in this room or bus that has felt like me or is feeling like this. whats there story.
i know i only know my story but i hope that i get better and what i learn along this crazy journey i can help others and discover my real calling and purpose.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
N: University of near hell- week one.
Now, I'm not sure if anyone else has ever felt like this about school: one minute you feel super productive after having a great day of doing some decent amount of work and everything's just going great... then there's that minute where you're absolutely lost. You don't know what exactly is going on in that class and you want to meet with the professor RIGHT NOW so you can move on with your life instead of having to wait until his/her availability.
It sucks how as students, we must have structure in our day as well as flexibility. I hear from 'experts' that one should plan out their days... but then I hear from the other 'experts' that one should leave their days open to accommodate necessary professor appointments. The bad thing is that no day is certain for a college student because things ALWAYS come up. I don't necessarily have a problem with this, really. It's just that the last time I would 'go wherever the wind took me,' I ended up with a 2.4 GPA. And over the summer, the first class I took, I had implemented structure in my day and turned out with an A in the course (and believe me, the class wasn't a walk in the park). So I thought 'hey, if structure worked for me, then structure is what I need!' But then there are those times when I'm lost. And I feel the need to meet with my professor to clear things up. Or maybe if professors would post their readings ahead of time instead of the day before they want them read... after all, isn't that why they created the syllabus?
If they want us to make the due date, they should give us time to work on it. But noooo. Us undergrads are at the bottom of the academic food chain. We're supposed to accommodate THEM, not them doing what they can to help us take a step further in life. Don't they want society to get ahead of itself? They should do their part instead of sit there and read off the powerpoint slides. That's not being an effective professor. That shows that you're just in it for the money, not to improve society. One's motive to teach nowadays is so ridiculous nowadays. You get paid more than enough to do your job, so DO IT!
Anyway, I've had a long day. It was quite a good day though.
And I think I've made a discovery that I have never even realized before: I get jealous. It makes me feel terrible. I was never the jealous type. Ever. But then the idiot got shady, treated me like crap, and cheated. Then idiot #2 was the shadiest of shady and treated me like crap. Whether he cheated on me or not is still unknown, but I don't even care- as long as I got out of that terrible mess, I'm fine. So now there's this wonderful, wonderful boyfriend of mine. He's really attractive in more ways than one... and sometimes I'm like 'why can't he just be ugly so no one else would want him?' hahaha! Terrible, I know. And he's never done anything to make me question his fidelity. But for some reason some girls just bug the heck out of me. Their behavior around him. The way they speak to him. Even sometimes the way they look at him. I observe it all. And I come up with outrageous conclusions. Some say it's normal and that it's okay. But I feel terrible. Why? Because he's not the type of guy to do anything to me like that. he knows better. ha! Then again, I've said THAT one before.
A part of me says that: 'you've said that one before, Nadia, when are you going to get smart about this?' and the other is like 'Come on. it's all innocently platonic. You have guy friends that you hang out with.' Yeah, but the way I act around them is much different than the way they act around him. (sigh) Now I know what idiot #1 went through. I did absolutely nothing to hurt him. I was all about him and only him. But he would just go crazy if I so much as said 'hi' to one of the guy friends he didn't like. And now I'm kind of going through the same thing. Except, I can tolerate a 'hi.' I won't lose my mind. But there are limits. And those limits just shouldn't be pushed.
And I can't talk to my mom about this because she thinks ALL men are dogs (I used to think the same damn thing). And that they're all the same and they'll never change and blah blah blah. So if I tell her about all this, she'll just start putting things in my head. or she'll jump to conclusions without knowing the facts and I'll believe her because...well, because she's my mother.
Hmm. OR I can keep my mouth shut. Just like I do with a lot of things. Maybe that'll work :) My last and final option is to have a talk with the boyfriend once I get over this retarded jealousy issue I'm having. Well, get over it in the short term. I usually feel better the next day. So we'll see how that goes.
Anyhow, I'm going to get ready for bed. I can't believe it's 1 a.m. already! Goodnight, everyone.
It sucks how as students, we must have structure in our day as well as flexibility. I hear from 'experts' that one should plan out their days... but then I hear from the other 'experts' that one should leave their days open to accommodate necessary professor appointments. The bad thing is that no day is certain for a college student because things ALWAYS come up. I don't necessarily have a problem with this, really. It's just that the last time I would 'go wherever the wind took me,' I ended up with a 2.4 GPA. And over the summer, the first class I took, I had implemented structure in my day and turned out with an A in the course (and believe me, the class wasn't a walk in the park). So I thought 'hey, if structure worked for me, then structure is what I need!' But then there are those times when I'm lost. And I feel the need to meet with my professor to clear things up. Or maybe if professors would post their readings ahead of time instead of the day before they want them read... after all, isn't that why they created the syllabus?
If they want us to make the due date, they should give us time to work on it. But noooo. Us undergrads are at the bottom of the academic food chain. We're supposed to accommodate THEM, not them doing what they can to help us take a step further in life. Don't they want society to get ahead of itself? They should do their part instead of sit there and read off the powerpoint slides. That's not being an effective professor. That shows that you're just in it for the money, not to improve society. One's motive to teach nowadays is so ridiculous nowadays. You get paid more than enough to do your job, so DO IT!
Anyway, I've had a long day. It was quite a good day though.
And I think I've made a discovery that I have never even realized before: I get jealous. It makes me feel terrible. I was never the jealous type. Ever. But then the idiot got shady, treated me like crap, and cheated. Then idiot #2 was the shadiest of shady and treated me like crap. Whether he cheated on me or not is still unknown, but I don't even care- as long as I got out of that terrible mess, I'm fine. So now there's this wonderful, wonderful boyfriend of mine. He's really attractive in more ways than one... and sometimes I'm like 'why can't he just be ugly so no one else would want him?' hahaha! Terrible, I know. And he's never done anything to make me question his fidelity. But for some reason some girls just bug the heck out of me. Their behavior around him. The way they speak to him. Even sometimes the way they look at him. I observe it all. And I come up with outrageous conclusions. Some say it's normal and that it's okay. But I feel terrible. Why? Because he's not the type of guy to do anything to me like that. he knows better. ha! Then again, I've said THAT one before.
A part of me says that: 'you've said that one before, Nadia, when are you going to get smart about this?' and the other is like 'Come on. it's all innocently platonic. You have guy friends that you hang out with.' Yeah, but the way I act around them is much different than the way they act around him. (sigh) Now I know what idiot #1 went through. I did absolutely nothing to hurt him. I was all about him and only him. But he would just go crazy if I so much as said 'hi' to one of the guy friends he didn't like. And now I'm kind of going through the same thing. Except, I can tolerate a 'hi.' I won't lose my mind. But there are limits. And those limits just shouldn't be pushed.
And I can't talk to my mom about this because she thinks ALL men are dogs (I used to think the same damn thing). And that they're all the same and they'll never change and blah blah blah. So if I tell her about all this, she'll just start putting things in my head. or she'll jump to conclusions without knowing the facts and I'll believe her because...well, because she's my mother.
Hmm. OR I can keep my mouth shut. Just like I do with a lot of things. Maybe that'll work :) My last and final option is to have a talk with the boyfriend once I get over this retarded jealousy issue I'm having. Well, get over it in the short term. I usually feel better the next day. So we'll see how that goes.
Anyhow, I'm going to get ready for bed. I can't believe it's 1 a.m. already! Goodnight, everyone.
Monday, August 31, 2009
drunk txts
drunk txt messages :
we have all dealt with them
we either send or recieve
and sometimes there is even a call
i try to justify my drunk txts because i'd like
to think that my txts are what i really think
and what i really wanna say
i am the kinda person who doesnt like words
or feelings
i dont like to talk about things
i dont like to feel anything but happy
over ther last year so much has changed
i have grown so much to become more of the person
that i wanted to be
i have a second chance at life and all it brings
the lord has tested me
he has put me through so much
but i thank him because
he must trust me an awful lot to do this to me
i have purpose and i am on my way to finding
out what exactly that purpose is
i am depressed
i am happy
i am a mix of emotions all at once
i feel like i have lost everything and nothing at the same time
i feel like i am the only one who gets me
i feel like i will never get better
i feel like i try so hard to get no where
but i have hope
the hope that comes with loving god and having
a relationship with him
the hope that keeps you going
the hope that makes everything better even when its not
and i have faith
faith in the lord
faith in myself
and i believe
thats all for now i have to collect some thoughts
:)
we have all dealt with them
we either send or recieve
and sometimes there is even a call
i try to justify my drunk txts because i'd like
to think that my txts are what i really think
and what i really wanna say
i am the kinda person who doesnt like words
or feelings
i dont like to talk about things
i dont like to feel anything but happy
over ther last year so much has changed
i have grown so much to become more of the person
that i wanted to be
i have a second chance at life and all it brings
the lord has tested me
he has put me through so much
but i thank him because
he must trust me an awful lot to do this to me
i have purpose and i am on my way to finding
out what exactly that purpose is
i am depressed
i am happy
i am a mix of emotions all at once
i feel like i have lost everything and nothing at the same time
i feel like i am the only one who gets me
i feel like i will never get better
i feel like i try so hard to get no where
but i have hope
the hope that comes with loving god and having
a relationship with him
the hope that keeps you going
the hope that makes everything better even when its not
and i have faith
faith in the lord
faith in myself
and i believe
thats all for now i have to collect some thoughts
:)
Thursday, August 27, 2009
e! updates
so since my last posting i kind of didnt explain my frustrations and why i was in need of venting! its been a rough few weeks tho but lets rewind so i can keep you updated with whats going on lets go back way back tooo
august 3-4 haha move out days it was during this time that i moved in with nadia and abel and that continued on until the 17th meanwhile i finished my summer school on the 13th! 8 am history classed=death!
but during this time nadia and i grew a lot closer we got to see 1st hand what it would be like living with each other. and i think it went well tho during this time we shared a room and everything we got really comfortable and we were correct living with one another is not gonna be a problem. her last night in her old apartment was fun too beer brownies and breaking dawn! ha what a very very nice way to end her stay in building 12!
the next day was so long and hot the 17th was the move out date and let me tell you it was ahhhh crazy but lovely at first i was kinda eh.. about the apartment i mean its a lot different than my old one and her old one as well almost seems smaller but as of now its starting to grow on me and i think its gonna be a nice place to call home
the next few days are kinda a blur everything went from being perfectly ok to completely horrible and it was warped speed and now i am in this huge pickle and i dont know what is gonna happen! well i kind of do now but not like i should be.
apparently i ran out of financial aid and have to pay the stupid community college $1200 so i can get transcripts sent or register there ahhhh yes ahh its been up and down and crazy and i dont think anyone fully understands what its like to be in this kind of situation
school is what i do its the only thing i am good and i have worked my ass off to be better and get better to deal with my stupid depression and persevere and its like i can't catch a break if i didnt have great friends like the tina's crystal care and everyone else idk what i would do because i seriously am sad all the time this week has especially been hard. what am i supposed to do with my time i think i may be exaggerating but you would to if this is what you did i didnt choose not to go to school i didnt choose to be all screwed up in the head but i am choosing to get better and not give up!
this is the first week in the new apartment and i had the first strong meeting of the semester yesterday and well it went well and its something positive that can help me keep busy and not go crazy and what better way to spend your time than to channel that energy to praise god and thank him
after all there is only 2 ways to take this horrible spin on event! i can't be mad at god and complain or i can thank god for his blessing take whats happened and roll with it i strongly believe that he does everything for a reason GOD PROVIDES he needs me to get better he needs me to take a break he needs to me to figure out my plans the plans i make myself for myself without involving anyone else because after all this is my life and i intend to make a difference
so here i am on a thursday afternoon hanging out in my sisters room in san antonio and i am thinking to myself what to do what to do
i am not sure where to go to from here or how i am supposed to feel. because i am tired of feeling like i am not gonna get better i am at a point where i have to make a choice i either let the most important people in my life know that i am not ok
that i need help that i know what i want and how to get there or i keep to myself and not tell anyone how it really feels to be me because frankly that idea sounds a lot easier and it was for the longest time until now. now things are getting harder and harder being happy and okay is becoming more and m ore exhausting only i can choose to make it better but i dont even know where to begin.
i wish i had a sign even if this is a sign and extra month of summer to get better and take a break i am sure that it will be ok if i keep telling myself it will be but its so weird to not feel to just be like everyone wants you to be. someone actually told me i wasnt being my normal cheerful self and i wanted to scream because my normal cheerful self was such a good act man this masking stuff was more a part of my life than i realized i guess i like to down play emotions and not feel but i wonder what would have happened if i didnt ever hide how i felt if my up bringing was slightly different.
well this is enough dramatics for one posting i think the fall is gonna bring lots of fun and adventures. afterall life's a journey and with crystal and nadia as my roommates! its all gonna work i have faith i have to :) but it will all be alright!
peace and love!
p.s. i miss my carebears!
august 3-4 haha move out days it was during this time that i moved in with nadia and abel and that continued on until the 17th meanwhile i finished my summer school on the 13th! 8 am history classed=death!
but during this time nadia and i grew a lot closer we got to see 1st hand what it would be like living with each other. and i think it went well tho during this time we shared a room and everything we got really comfortable and we were correct living with one another is not gonna be a problem. her last night in her old apartment was fun too beer brownies and breaking dawn! ha what a very very nice way to end her stay in building 12!
the next day was so long and hot the 17th was the move out date and let me tell you it was ahhhh crazy but lovely at first i was kinda eh.. about the apartment i mean its a lot different than my old one and her old one as well almost seems smaller but as of now its starting to grow on me and i think its gonna be a nice place to call home
the next few days are kinda a blur everything went from being perfectly ok to completely horrible and it was warped speed and now i am in this huge pickle and i dont know what is gonna happen! well i kind of do now but not like i should be.
apparently i ran out of financial aid and have to pay the stupid community college $1200 so i can get transcripts sent or register there ahhhh yes ahh its been up and down and crazy and i dont think anyone fully understands what its like to be in this kind of situation
school is what i do its the only thing i am good and i have worked my ass off to be better and get better to deal with my stupid depression and persevere and its like i can't catch a break if i didnt have great friends like the tina's crystal care and everyone else idk what i would do because i seriously am sad all the time this week has especially been hard. what am i supposed to do with my time i think i may be exaggerating but you would to if this is what you did i didnt choose not to go to school i didnt choose to be all screwed up in the head but i am choosing to get better and not give up!
this is the first week in the new apartment and i had the first strong meeting of the semester yesterday and well it went well and its something positive that can help me keep busy and not go crazy and what better way to spend your time than to channel that energy to praise god and thank him
after all there is only 2 ways to take this horrible spin on event! i can't be mad at god and complain or i can thank god for his blessing take whats happened and roll with it i strongly believe that he does everything for a reason GOD PROVIDES he needs me to get better he needs me to take a break he needs to me to figure out my plans the plans i make myself for myself without involving anyone else because after all this is my life and i intend to make a difference
so here i am on a thursday afternoon hanging out in my sisters room in san antonio and i am thinking to myself what to do what to do
i am not sure where to go to from here or how i am supposed to feel. because i am tired of feeling like i am not gonna get better i am at a point where i have to make a choice i either let the most important people in my life know that i am not ok
that i need help that i know what i want and how to get there or i keep to myself and not tell anyone how it really feels to be me because frankly that idea sounds a lot easier and it was for the longest time until now. now things are getting harder and harder being happy and okay is becoming more and m ore exhausting only i can choose to make it better but i dont even know where to begin.
i wish i had a sign even if this is a sign and extra month of summer to get better and take a break i am sure that it will be ok if i keep telling myself it will be but its so weird to not feel to just be like everyone wants you to be. someone actually told me i wasnt being my normal cheerful self and i wanted to scream because my normal cheerful self was such a good act man this masking stuff was more a part of my life than i realized i guess i like to down play emotions and not feel but i wonder what would have happened if i didnt ever hide how i felt if my up bringing was slightly different.
well this is enough dramatics for one posting i think the fall is gonna bring lots of fun and adventures. afterall life's a journey and with crystal and nadia as my roommates! its all gonna work i have faith i have to :) but it will all be alright!
peace and love!
p.s. i miss my carebears!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
N! Update :)
Greetings to everyone!
Well, it seems as if this whole blog thing has been tough to keep up with. Good thing we really haven't told many people about it. haha. Elaine and I have just been quite busy with things and have found ourselves to be somewhat preoccupied. Let's see... I don't even know where to catch everyone up on. Let's start with here:
Elaine had been living with me in my old apartment (I'll get to this later) for about two weeks or so. It was quite neat because it gave us an opportunity to test our roommate compatibility. However, this test was a bit tough because we were not only sharing the same apartment at the time, we were also sharing the same ROOM together! It brought me back to living in the dorms freshman year of college. Except she and I knew each other and nothing was ever too awkward. Yes, we are in that stage of comfortability where we can just change clothes in front of one another without feeling funny (don't get dirty thoughts now!) Then again the only time we'd change clothes like that was when we were rushed by vic and/or Abel to get dressed to leave the apartment. Which gave us no time to look at one another. We'd just grab our clothes, change in seconds, and take off. Either way, it was all well.
The 17th of August marked the day I get to finally get my crap and move into the long awaited new apartment closer to the bus stop, which meant gas conservation, and a new school year with Elaine, Crystal, and some random girl. The night before, my former roommate, Nicole, baked brownies and we all celebrated my last night in that apartment with brownies and beer. Yes, strange combination, I know. Then at 9 am on the 17th, I went to the leasing office to take care of business and get my new keys.
At first, I didn't get off to this new apartment all too well because it seemed much smaller than my old apartment. But, it was just empty. Technically I was the only person living there at the time so there were no decorations or pillows on the couches as I was used to before. I simply moved my stuff in, gathered the things I was going to use for the next few days, and went off to take my Spanish final for the second summer session, which went very well, by the way.
18th- 21st were spent in San Antonio, Texas, our hometown, to spend with our family and friends from back home before the semester began. Because once the fall semester begins, who knows when we'll be able to go back home. And that's when the craziness happened. Elaine owed money to the school and because she owed money, she couldn't register anywhere, which is stupid because the school should have told her BEFORE SHE CONTINUED ON WITH HER SUMMER CLASSES that she had 'exceeded' her aid and couldn't get any more funding. This led to her worries of what her family was going to say, and worse, how she was going to pay the surprisingly newfound debt she now owes so she can continue going to school. Now, my theory is this: this could have all been avoided had the financial aid office from that school gotten their freakin' act together and notified elaine ahead of time. If they had told her she 'ran out of funds' beforehand, she could have dropped the class and paid more attention to going to work instead of going crazy trying to make an A in a class that would eventually earn her a headache after a good grade. Sometimes the school system really pisses me off. They wait 'til the last minute to tell us these things, which eventually screws us over. and they say they're here for our better good. YEAH FUCKIN' RIGHT!
The 21st I went to the doctor and he said I don't have a tumor, my sinuses are good, and I'm not diabetic. All of which were major concerns for him, myself, and my mother- who feels she has the right to call anyone, and I mean ANYONE a diabetic haha. My sugar levels are quite high, though. But not to the point where I'm diabetic. A biiig concern now is my energy levels. I have the same energy level as that of a 60-year-old... I'm freakin' 20! And who is to blame? I'll be quick to point my fingers to college. That's right. It's all college's fault for never letting me catch a damn break. anyway, it's a possibility that this low energy is linked to my thyroid. According to Doc, the thyroid is linked to energy level and metabolism. If your energy's low, your metabolism slows down and you gain weight... which explains why I weigh 15 lbs more than my comfort zone. So now I have to take pills, a ton of vitamins, and go back to the Doc once a month for the B12 shot- which is supposed to give me energy. Doc says hopefully by november, my energy level has increased and I'll have enough to do well in school and 'boost up that GPA.' (how he knows I have a shameful gpa, I have no idea).
let's skip around a few days... which brings us to here. Today. Now. And why I feel the need to write at such a late hour. I went to this thing called Gone to Texas today. It's like some 'welcome' program intended for incoming freshman (isn't that what orientation is for?) on the night before school. I didn't go my freshman year so I decided to go today along with Elaine, Crystal (our third roommate, whom we are happy to have with us), Ruben (my boyfriend) and his friend Eric. And as the program proceeded, all I could think about was 'this is what I missed out on two years ago. This was that inch of inspiration I could have so dearly used two years ago when I felt like my world was in turmoil.' I was looking at all the freshman (some were acting retarded, HELLO YOU'RE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE!) with eyes of hope, inspiration and determination- eyes that I once had before coming here. After wandering around through my life's path this past year and a half like an abandoned pup, I realized what I have been doing to myself all along. I let those eyes go and unknowingly traded them for confusion, discouragement, and disappointment. But I want to change it NOW. I know where I made the mistake. And it's time to get back into that 'whatever it takes' attitude I once had before giving it all up two years ago.
As I sit here- on my bed, in my 'bed clothing' just a few hours before having to wake up for class- I'm thinking 'Goodness gracious, I've never wanted something so badly in my life!' I'd say I'm excited. But more honestly, I'm nervous. Because I have no idea what this semester has in store for me. But I am willing... oh God am I willing... to fix myself personally, then academically, and continually. It's about time I learn from every mistake I've made these past two years. I've got the ingredients to a splendid and successful life. Great family. Amazing friends. and a wonderful boyfriend. Now it's up to me. and me, alone, to keep this going.
I'd say I'm hopeful, but I'm also realistic. It's not going to be easy. If it were easy, 'success' wouldn't have such high monetary value. With that in mind, get ready for my bitchings built upon stress. They're coming soon. haha.
Things are going to get better. Sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. Because this kind of life only comes through once.
Keep an eye out! because this is going to be a hell of a journey :)
Well, it seems as if this whole blog thing has been tough to keep up with. Good thing we really haven't told many people about it. haha. Elaine and I have just been quite busy with things and have found ourselves to be somewhat preoccupied. Let's see... I don't even know where to catch everyone up on. Let's start with here:
Elaine had been living with me in my old apartment (I'll get to this later) for about two weeks or so. It was quite neat because it gave us an opportunity to test our roommate compatibility. However, this test was a bit tough because we were not only sharing the same apartment at the time, we were also sharing the same ROOM together! It brought me back to living in the dorms freshman year of college. Except she and I knew each other and nothing was ever too awkward. Yes, we are in that stage of comfortability where we can just change clothes in front of one another without feeling funny (don't get dirty thoughts now!) Then again the only time we'd change clothes like that was when we were rushed by vic and/or Abel to get dressed to leave the apartment. Which gave us no time to look at one another. We'd just grab our clothes, change in seconds, and take off. Either way, it was all well.
The 17th of August marked the day I get to finally get my crap and move into the long awaited new apartment closer to the bus stop, which meant gas conservation, and a new school year with Elaine, Crystal, and some random girl. The night before, my former roommate, Nicole, baked brownies and we all celebrated my last night in that apartment with brownies and beer. Yes, strange combination, I know. Then at 9 am on the 17th, I went to the leasing office to take care of business and get my new keys.
At first, I didn't get off to this new apartment all too well because it seemed much smaller than my old apartment. But, it was just empty. Technically I was the only person living there at the time so there were no decorations or pillows on the couches as I was used to before. I simply moved my stuff in, gathered the things I was going to use for the next few days, and went off to take my Spanish final for the second summer session, which went very well, by the way.
18th- 21st were spent in San Antonio, Texas, our hometown, to spend with our family and friends from back home before the semester began. Because once the fall semester begins, who knows when we'll be able to go back home. And that's when the craziness happened. Elaine owed money to the school and because she owed money, she couldn't register anywhere, which is stupid because the school should have told her BEFORE SHE CONTINUED ON WITH HER SUMMER CLASSES that she had 'exceeded' her aid and couldn't get any more funding. This led to her worries of what her family was going to say, and worse, how she was going to pay the surprisingly newfound debt she now owes so she can continue going to school. Now, my theory is this: this could have all been avoided had the financial aid office from that school gotten their freakin' act together and notified elaine ahead of time. If they had told her she 'ran out of funds' beforehand, she could have dropped the class and paid more attention to going to work instead of going crazy trying to make an A in a class that would eventually earn her a headache after a good grade. Sometimes the school system really pisses me off. They wait 'til the last minute to tell us these things, which eventually screws us over. and they say they're here for our better good. YEAH FUCKIN' RIGHT!
The 21st I went to the doctor and he said I don't have a tumor, my sinuses are good, and I'm not diabetic. All of which were major concerns for him, myself, and my mother- who feels she has the right to call anyone, and I mean ANYONE a diabetic haha. My sugar levels are quite high, though. But not to the point where I'm diabetic. A biiig concern now is my energy levels. I have the same energy level as that of a 60-year-old... I'm freakin' 20! And who is to blame? I'll be quick to point my fingers to college. That's right. It's all college's fault for never letting me catch a damn break. anyway, it's a possibility that this low energy is linked to my thyroid. According to Doc, the thyroid is linked to energy level and metabolism. If your energy's low, your metabolism slows down and you gain weight... which explains why I weigh 15 lbs more than my comfort zone. So now I have to take pills, a ton of vitamins, and go back to the Doc once a month for the B12 shot- which is supposed to give me energy. Doc says hopefully by november, my energy level has increased and I'll have enough to do well in school and 'boost up that GPA.' (how he knows I have a shameful gpa, I have no idea).
let's skip around a few days... which brings us to here. Today. Now. And why I feel the need to write at such a late hour. I went to this thing called Gone to Texas today. It's like some 'welcome' program intended for incoming freshman (isn't that what orientation is for?) on the night before school. I didn't go my freshman year so I decided to go today along with Elaine, Crystal (our third roommate, whom we are happy to have with us), Ruben (my boyfriend) and his friend Eric. And as the program proceeded, all I could think about was 'this is what I missed out on two years ago. This was that inch of inspiration I could have so dearly used two years ago when I felt like my world was in turmoil.' I was looking at all the freshman (some were acting retarded, HELLO YOU'RE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE!) with eyes of hope, inspiration and determination- eyes that I once had before coming here. After wandering around through my life's path this past year and a half like an abandoned pup, I realized what I have been doing to myself all along. I let those eyes go and unknowingly traded them for confusion, discouragement, and disappointment. But I want to change it NOW. I know where I made the mistake. And it's time to get back into that 'whatever it takes' attitude I once had before giving it all up two years ago.
As I sit here- on my bed, in my 'bed clothing' just a few hours before having to wake up for class- I'm thinking 'Goodness gracious, I've never wanted something so badly in my life!' I'd say I'm excited. But more honestly, I'm nervous. Because I have no idea what this semester has in store for me. But I am willing... oh God am I willing... to fix myself personally, then academically, and continually. It's about time I learn from every mistake I've made these past two years. I've got the ingredients to a splendid and successful life. Great family. Amazing friends. and a wonderful boyfriend. Now it's up to me. and me, alone, to keep this going.
I'd say I'm hopeful, but I'm also realistic. It's not going to be easy. If it were easy, 'success' wouldn't have such high monetary value. With that in mind, get ready for my bitchings built upon stress. They're coming soon. haha.
Things are going to get better. Sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. Because this kind of life only comes through once.
Keep an eye out! because this is going to be a hell of a journey :)
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
venting!!
eek
what an afternoon i have only been home for like an hour and i am going crazy in this empty house. with school around the corner and stupid financial aid being dumb it has me going crazy. i wonder if this is a sign from God. like i wonder if he is trying to tell me to slow down to relax to get better before i try to take on the world. its just so frustrating i have always been able to go go go and not look back and now i can't even make any progress anywhere its so frustrating to feel this helpless! for crying out loud things are just plain old out of control and i can't take it! i am trying to relax tho even on the ride home all i could think about was school school school transferring to st ed's emailing the transfer counselor ay ay ay and my heart is beating so freakin fast and i can't calm down until i know what the heck is happening eek! summer school may have just ruined my life how will i pay for rent how will i live! well if worse come to worse i will take out another loan to take care of all of the above since aid is being stupid! but seriously! i need a hug a cry and freakin parents that are understanding! ahhhhhhhhh okay that is all my head hurts i may need a nap to cool off
what an afternoon i have only been home for like an hour and i am going crazy in this empty house. with school around the corner and stupid financial aid being dumb it has me going crazy. i wonder if this is a sign from God. like i wonder if he is trying to tell me to slow down to relax to get better before i try to take on the world. its just so frustrating i have always been able to go go go and not look back and now i can't even make any progress anywhere its so frustrating to feel this helpless! for crying out loud things are just plain old out of control and i can't take it! i am trying to relax tho even on the ride home all i could think about was school school school transferring to st ed's emailing the transfer counselor ay ay ay and my heart is beating so freakin fast and i can't calm down until i know what the heck is happening eek! summer school may have just ruined my life how will i pay for rent how will i live! well if worse come to worse i will take out another loan to take care of all of the above since aid is being stupid! but seriously! i need a hug a cry and freakin parents that are understanding! ahhhhhhhhh okay that is all my head hurts i may need a nap to cool off
Thursday, August 13, 2009
E! greetings!
well i have officially been residing with nadia for a little over a week sometimes i feel that i become a pain but she has such a kind heart she smiles about everything! i finished with my summer 2 class today which is a big deal since school and i dont get along and i managed to do fairly well whoo whoo :) so today has been much of a sloth day LITERALLY i haven't felt so blah in a very long time but hey we all need a little break. yesterday was quite the day. cilla came to visit vic was here when i woke from a nap abel came after dinner nadia's roomate Serena is back and she had vistors too and Katy [nadia's other roomate] had a friend come to so yesterday was jam packed with excitng things! i made dinner vic baked we all sat around talking and laughing telling stories it was like something out of a movie i can replay nights spent with the crew over and over. i do believe that the crew is what has kept me sane all through the summer because the lord knows it hasnt been my parents school is just around the corner and i still dont know where ill be partially because of my lack of funds. i just hope i can still help out with STRONG being involved at the UCC is what has helped me to stay sane. i have met some wonderfully sweet people there and made some wonderful friends. i only hope that i get to continue to share God's word. i am looking forward to the fall tho despite the mess of a year i have had. its 3/4 gone and well i have developed so much as a person. next week nadia and i get our new apartment with our lovely friend CRYSTAL we may have to had a C! to this blog here.
lets talk about the weekend now because i had one of those weekends that only happens in movies. i didnt see the crew tho but if i was gonna write a movie about my life this weekend would totally be incorporated. see we come from the south side. we dont get things handed to us we have to work but we like to party and have our weekend adventures! and this weekend was definitely one!
i think sometimes i am far to guarded. i think i care to much about what people think. i worry about everything and how my family back home will make it. i wonder if i will make sometimes. i have had a lot of time to think today and yesterday. sometimes its hard to put things into perspective. well story of my life about over thinking. i had a plan and my plan has been well broken so i need a new one and i am on the verge of making a new one but i am not sure how to go about it exactly. we shall see.
this summer has been life changing and its sad that its almost over. eek! i sometimes don't know how i got to where i am at. sometimes i don't think i deserve some of what i have. i wanna be better i wanna achieve wonderful things too!
well for tonight i think this is all but who knows!! maybe ill be back in a bit with more of my unorganized thoughts!
til next time
ttfn
lets talk about the weekend now because i had one of those weekends that only happens in movies. i didnt see the crew tho but if i was gonna write a movie about my life this weekend would totally be incorporated. see we come from the south side. we dont get things handed to us we have to work but we like to party and have our weekend adventures! and this weekend was definitely one!
i think sometimes i am far to guarded. i think i care to much about what people think. i worry about everything and how my family back home will make it. i wonder if i will make sometimes. i have had a lot of time to think today and yesterday. sometimes its hard to put things into perspective. well story of my life about over thinking. i had a plan and my plan has been well broken so i need a new one and i am on the verge of making a new one but i am not sure how to go about it exactly. we shall see.
this summer has been life changing and its sad that its almost over. eek! i sometimes don't know how i got to where i am at. sometimes i don't think i deserve some of what i have. i wanna be better i wanna achieve wonderful things too!
well for tonight i think this is all but who knows!! maybe ill be back in a bit with more of my unorganized thoughts!
til next time
ttfn
Thursday, July 30, 2009
N: Post Scriptum
I noticed that I failed to mention that I am 1 out of 4 members of 'The Crew.' I am pretty much with them all damn night, every night. I don't think I've every been with anyone who has made me laugh so hard (except for Ashley, R.I.P- I'll get to her eventually). Either way, the other three folks have been the 'friends' I hang out with pretty much every summer night ever since Summer 1 finished. And I may say that it's been fantaaastic! It hasn't been long and we've already accumulated so many stories and adventures, we may damn well write a book about them all someday! They're such great individuals :)
Goodness, it's going to be 3 a.m. central time. I gotta get up for a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning!! agggh!!
Goodness, it's going to be 3 a.m. central time. I gotta get up for a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning!! agggh!!
N!
Greetings and Salutations! I'm the 'N' in this blog and I'm TOTALLY new to this. I've actually been aching to have a blog for the longest time, just never got around to creating one of my own- factors contributing to this is laziness and lack of time... but for the most part, laziness. haha! So my future roommate came up with this great idea to create a 'team blog' and talk about our crazy lives. My opinion: we live crazy lives apart, one can only imagine when we move in together!! As my first post, I'd like to discuss a little about myself as E did in the previous post. Enjoy learning! :)
1. I talk a lot. And write a lot as well.
2. My favorite colors are orange, yellow, and lime green. I'm building a strong liking to pink for some reason- and if you had known me in my earlier years, I HATED that color.
3. I'm a native speaker of the Spanish language, but am no longer fluent due to the high demand of the English language by Elementary schools... and because I, along with my fellow Spanish-speaking classmates, was getting bullied by the other kids. Just because our parents taught us Spanish first doesn't mean we carry around our 'green cards' everywhere. I was born in the United States. Besides, being bilingual just means that I'm cooler. :) ... back on topic, I have hopes of getting that native tongue back.
4. Technically I'm a Business major looking into adding Sociology as a second major and Spanish as a minor. But my path to obtaining both degrees is still cloudy because I spent a year at UT taking stupid classes and trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Now that I've pretty much got it figured out, I feel like all that was just wasted time.
5. My most ultimate best friend is my mother. She has to be the strongest woman I know. Funny thing is, she considers ME her hero. We have a very close bond. I can tell her anything and everything.
6. My sisters are a HUUUUUGE part of why I have yet to give up on life. Even though sometimes it just gets a little too crazy. haha. I love them to death. And I totally know they love me the same way.
7. My dad is something else. As strict as he was on me while I was growing up, I'm happy to say that I am where I am partially because of him. He is my guide for living on my own. When I'm getting myself into something pertaining to adulthood, Dad knows all the right questions to ask. I, on the other hand, will take it if it looks pretty- which brings me to my next point...
8. It's really easy to sell me something. Buuuuut my dad is there to tell me no and why.
9. I have music from all types of genres. But don't ask me about anything that's new because I've been slacking :(
10. Now, I don't get close to girls (or anyone) this easily, but MY GOODNESS has my friendship with Elaine grown! Her optimism brings such a light to my eyes that I've notice it rub off on me quite a bit. hehe :) I love her!! I can't wait to live with this young lady.
11. I love to dance. End of freakin' story.
12. I am forever poor but I still manage to spend money recklessly. :/
13. Absolute favorite movies: Heathers, Garden State, Chicago, and The Departed.
14. "Heavy" by Tegan and Sara; and "Don't Panic" by Coldplay are my favorite songs of all time. Listen to them... noooow!! :P
15. You may find me ranting about something. It's not my fault I just want to fix the world.
16. Food. What can I say? I love to eat. But I hate that I love to eat because now I feel like a whale. I'm working on it though.
17. If you hear me saying that I got lost trying to get somewhere... it's nothing new. I'm ALWAYS getting lost when I'm going somewhere new. Good thing is, after finally finding the place, I begin to know how to get there like the back of my hand.
18. I finally feel like I belong somewhere. And I'm not kidding when I say I've come a long way.
19. I'm not entirely religious, but I do feel as if I have a healthy relationship with God. I know it can be better, but He knows I'm getting around to it. :)
20. Moving to Austin, Texas is probably one of the smartest decisions I've ever made in my life- despite my way of flirting with poverty.
21. I love Starbucks. One of the reasons as to why I'm always poor.
22. I talk about being poor a lot... because it's the damn truth! haha.
23. Talking about feelings isn't really my thing. But maybe I'll be able to someday.
24. Grey's Anatomy + Desperate Housewives + Law and Order: SVU + Law and Order = loooooove!!!
25. My boyfriend and I have such a healthy relationship, it's cuuute! I am very thankful for having in my life. He's sort of opened up my eyes to a couple of things and although we have our moments, we make up REAL quick. (get your mind out of the gutter). We've been dating since September and were officially made a couple in February- I have enjoyed every minute of it. All in all, I love him. <3>
26. As nervous as I am for the future, I'm quite hopeful. :)
1. I talk a lot. And write a lot as well.
2. My favorite colors are orange, yellow, and lime green. I'm building a strong liking to pink for some reason- and if you had known me in my earlier years, I HATED that color.
3. I'm a native speaker of the Spanish language, but am no longer fluent due to the high demand of the English language by Elementary schools... and because I, along with my fellow Spanish-speaking classmates, was getting bullied by the other kids. Just because our parents taught us Spanish first doesn't mean we carry around our 'green cards' everywhere. I was born in the United States. Besides, being bilingual just means that I'm cooler. :) ... back on topic, I have hopes of getting that native tongue back.
4. Technically I'm a Business major looking into adding Sociology as a second major and Spanish as a minor. But my path to obtaining both degrees is still cloudy because I spent a year at UT taking stupid classes and trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Now that I've pretty much got it figured out, I feel like all that was just wasted time.
5. My most ultimate best friend is my mother. She has to be the strongest woman I know. Funny thing is, she considers ME her hero. We have a very close bond. I can tell her anything and everything.
6. My sisters are a HUUUUUGE part of why I have yet to give up on life. Even though sometimes it just gets a little too crazy. haha. I love them to death. And I totally know they love me the same way.
7. My dad is something else. As strict as he was on me while I was growing up, I'm happy to say that I am where I am partially because of him. He is my guide for living on my own. When I'm getting myself into something pertaining to adulthood, Dad knows all the right questions to ask. I, on the other hand, will take it if it looks pretty- which brings me to my next point...
8. It's really easy to sell me something. Buuuuut my dad is there to tell me no and why.
9. I have music from all types of genres. But don't ask me about anything that's new because I've been slacking :(
10. Now, I don't get close to girls (or anyone) this easily, but MY GOODNESS has my friendship with Elaine grown! Her optimism brings such a light to my eyes that I've notice it rub off on me quite a bit. hehe :) I love her!! I can't wait to live with this young lady.
11. I love to dance. End of freakin' story.
12. I am forever poor but I still manage to spend money recklessly. :/
13. Absolute favorite movies: Heathers, Garden State, Chicago, and The Departed.
14. "Heavy" by Tegan and Sara; and "Don't Panic" by Coldplay are my favorite songs of all time. Listen to them... noooow!! :P
15. You may find me ranting about something. It's not my fault I just want to fix the world.
16. Food. What can I say? I love to eat. But I hate that I love to eat because now I feel like a whale. I'm working on it though.
17. If you hear me saying that I got lost trying to get somewhere... it's nothing new. I'm ALWAYS getting lost when I'm going somewhere new. Good thing is, after finally finding the place, I begin to know how to get there like the back of my hand.
18. I finally feel like I belong somewhere. And I'm not kidding when I say I've come a long way.
19. I'm not entirely religious, but I do feel as if I have a healthy relationship with God. I know it can be better, but He knows I'm getting around to it. :)
20. Moving to Austin, Texas is probably one of the smartest decisions I've ever made in my life- despite my way of flirting with poverty.
21. I love Starbucks. One of the reasons as to why I'm always poor.
22. I talk about being poor a lot... because it's the damn truth! haha.
23. Talking about feelings isn't really my thing. But maybe I'll be able to someday.
24. Grey's Anatomy + Desperate Housewives + Law and Order: SVU + Law and Order = loooooove!!!
25. My boyfriend and I have such a healthy relationship, it's cuuute! I am very thankful for having in my life. He's sort of opened up my eyes to a couple of things and although we have our moments, we make up REAL quick. (get your mind out of the gutter). We've been dating since September and were officially made a couple in February- I have enjoyed every minute of it. All in all, I love him. <3>
26. As nervous as I am for the future, I'm quite hopeful. :)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
E!
i am the "E" of this blog so i thought' i'd talk a little about me lets see.
i am Elaine but my friends call me lainerz or lainey or elaine hmmm
1. i don't like beans!
2. i like the color red :)
3. i don't speak spanish well at all
4. i am a psych hist major
5. melody elizabeth tenorio is my best best best friend/sister she is family even if she lives in maine
6. vic keeps me sane or as he likes to say he "keeps it real"
7. justin v. aka sailor justin is the bff as well we are super close even if he is in connecticut!
8. i love country music
9. i love pop/punk/hardcore music too!
10. i have a sister who is like my twin
11. nadia and i have become fast friends this year and i love her dearly! she too is a best friend!
12. we make up 1/2 of "The Crew"
13. i have an awesome realtionship with God i love him! :)
14. i use to have a dog named cupid :(
15. i love the stars
16. Selena is my idol no really i love her i went and did a whole Selena tour in Corpus
17. i am not very tall
18. ADTR=LOVE<3333
19. i own about 5 pairs of vans i promised myself i wouldn't buy anymore because i need big girl shoes
20. i like to paint my nails now
21. i love chinese food! especially when it involves chinese food with nadia its always an adventure
22. Grey's anatomy addict!
23. i don't have a boyfriend anymore :)
24. its a long story eek!
25. i take pictures all the time especially when i drink i like to capture everyones most horrid moments then tag them on facebook and listen to them complain lol some of them are really not that bad haha
26. Abel always makes me laugh!
27. i love baseball and the red sox i watch sports center and baseball tonight by myself now :) but i lost the remote so sometimes i never get to change the tv :(
28. i sing and dance where ever and when ever i wish
29. i have a HUGE HUGE family its the best christmas is exciting just because everyone is there!
30. i love college but hate studying
31. the UCC saved me
32. i love smiling and making everyone smile too!
33. i never wanted an ipod but i got one and now i am attached to it
34. there are over 6000 pictures on my laptop and they mostly start from when i started school at UT
35. MNR is a new way i love to spend time!
36. i don't have a license i can't drive
37. i sing along to music and ALWAYS mess up the words!
38. i like to bake and cook
39. i txt a lot but not as much as i use to
40. i love reading even tho i don't do much of hit
41. i don't like arguing i am a happy go lucky care free kinda gal
42. i love being catholic! and i love retreats where i get to share my stories
43. a retrant once said "omg you're ADD too" i had only known her for maybe 30 minutes and i am not ADD at least not clinically diagnosed
42. i miss roger's parents food lol especially sweet and sour pork and the fajitas and rice :) oh and those bacon things we made on new years oh and the fruit salad lol
43. nadia and i will be living together in a week an a half!
44. i use to work at whataburger! :) i collect the numbers from the orders
45. i love taking care of sophie and sam! they are the most well behaved little girls in the world if you know how to take care of them there carefee attitude and innocence gives me hope!
46. lainey mello vic playdates!
47. nikki and i go way back! and she has been there for me in the hardest of times i love her for that
48. 8 am hist classes in the summer :(
48. i wanna go to europe!
49. i can listen to "whatever it is" over and over and over and over...... and not get tired of it
50. i talk really fast!
51. okay so i want a puppy but have not time for one
52. i miss cheerleading and softball
53. i am just a clutz no ifs ands or buts
54. okay thats it for now :)
peace and love!
E!
i am Elaine but my friends call me lainerz or lainey or elaine hmmm
1. i don't like beans!
2. i like the color red :)
3. i don't speak spanish well at all
4. i am a psych hist major
5. melody elizabeth tenorio is my best best best friend/sister she is family even if she lives in maine
6. vic keeps me sane or as he likes to say he "keeps it real"
7. justin v. aka sailor justin is the bff as well we are super close even if he is in connecticut!
8. i love country music
9. i love pop/punk/hardcore music too!
10. i have a sister who is like my twin
11. nadia and i have become fast friends this year and i love her dearly! she too is a best friend!
12. we make up 1/2 of "The Crew"
13. i have an awesome realtionship with God i love him! :)
14. i use to have a dog named cupid :(
15. i love the stars
16. Selena is my idol no really i love her i went and did a whole Selena tour in Corpus
17. i am not very tall
18. ADTR=LOVE<3333
19. i own about 5 pairs of vans i promised myself i wouldn't buy anymore because i need big girl shoes
20. i like to paint my nails now
21. i love chinese food! especially when it involves chinese food with nadia its always an adventure
22. Grey's anatomy addict!
23. i don't have a boyfriend anymore :)
24. its a long story eek!
25. i take pictures all the time especially when i drink i like to capture everyones most horrid moments then tag them on facebook and listen to them complain lol some of them are really not that bad haha
26. Abel always makes me laugh!
27. i love baseball and the red sox i watch sports center and baseball tonight by myself now :) but i lost the remote so sometimes i never get to change the tv :(
28. i sing and dance where ever and when ever i wish
29. i have a HUGE HUGE family its the best christmas is exciting just because everyone is there!
30. i love college but hate studying
31. the UCC saved me
32. i love smiling and making everyone smile too!
33. i never wanted an ipod but i got one and now i am attached to it
34. there are over 6000 pictures on my laptop and they mostly start from when i started school at UT
35. MNR is a new way i love to spend time!
36. i don't have a license i can't drive
37. i sing along to music and ALWAYS mess up the words!
38. i like to bake and cook
39. i txt a lot but not as much as i use to
40. i love reading even tho i don't do much of hit
41. i don't like arguing i am a happy go lucky care free kinda gal
42. i love being catholic! and i love retreats where i get to share my stories
43. a retrant once said "omg you're ADD too" i had only known her for maybe 30 minutes and i am not ADD at least not clinically diagnosed
42. i miss roger's parents food lol especially sweet and sour pork and the fajitas and rice :) oh and those bacon things we made on new years oh and the fruit salad lol
43. nadia and i will be living together in a week an a half!
44. i use to work at whataburger! :) i collect the numbers from the orders
45. i love taking care of sophie and sam! they are the most well behaved little girls in the world if you know how to take care of them there carefee attitude and innocence gives me hope!
46. lainey mello vic playdates!
47. nikki and i go way back! and she has been there for me in the hardest of times i love her for that
48. 8 am hist classes in the summer :(
48. i wanna go to europe!
49. i can listen to "whatever it is" over and over and over and over...... and not get tired of it
50. i talk really fast!
51. okay so i want a puppy but have not time for one
52. i miss cheerleading and softball
53. i am just a clutz no ifs ands or buts
54. okay thats it for now :)
peace and love!
E!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
welcome
we are really excited to start this and keep tract of what we have going on. we are two normal girls from texas with anything but ordinary lives and we decided last night [after a few drinks] that we wanted to start a blog together we have been through more than anyone can probably imagine. so this blog is gonna follow us as we start our third year of college. we are turning 21 exploring new relationships, keeping the ones we have still alive, moving in together, figuring out our next move, staying positive, dealing with the everyday nonsense that life brings us, and seeing just where we end up. we are so far from perfect but we are real as real as we get and we hope you enjoy
hello
hello world!
we are E and N. two normal girls from texas. we are in college and think this is the best idea we have had. we are as real as you get we work hard for what we want and together we have probably been through more than you can imagine but we are still here working towards success we have real stories real memories and a real life so enjoy
we are E and N. two normal girls from texas. we are in college and think this is the best idea we have had. we are as real as you get we work hard for what we want and together we have probably been through more than you can imagine but we are still here working towards success we have real stories real memories and a real life so enjoy
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